FINALLY.....I Made Something!!!

I've had a few really exciting, creative weekends lately -- I think my heart and mind are finally adjusting to the new reality of what my dearest friends are going to be going through.  Not that I don't have REAL LOWS.....but I haven't had the urge to retreat from the rest of my life lately.  That even in spite of some very difficult, frightening things for Cheryl. :-(  She is hanging in there, and feeling alot better now, she's even avoided a hospital trip for the past 8 days!  THAT is a real victory for her.

So, when not doing basic housekeeping and running errands for Cheryl, I've been tormenting myself with..... what else? .....PINTEREST!!!!
*Sigh!* The amazing, perfect, gorgeous primitive pictures on there swing me between elation and breathlessness (at the beauty) to sinking hopelessness (because I'll never really live with those things around me).  Haha!  Sounds like a new Mental Condition -- Pinterest-Envy: the depression and hopelessness brought on by looking at too many beautiful things on Pinterest!

Oh yeah, I've got THAT!!! LOL
But the cure for it, even if only temporarily, is to create something from Pinterest!  :-D

So I picked something that I couldn't "X" off my computer because I loved it SO MUCH......

I LOVE this light!!!  I love how it's rusty and has old wood on it, and the electric candles.  I've been dreaming of this light for months!! :-D
So I got on ebay one day and found a really old, rusty funnel (for $4!), and I grabbed it!!  I was even the only bidder -- people didn't know what a treasure they were passing up! (hee hee hee!)

Once that got here, I assembled the other things I had laying around that I knew would work for my light......

I had some old pieces of wood hanging around, those rusty candle cups were from another project that I never made.  And then I just needed the tools -- the saw to trim the wood pieces, and my favorite present (if you remember), my drill.....

I used a special bit that takes a chunk of wood out, and I thought I made it just the right size to fit on top of the funnel end........BUT.......
I was wrong......

I MADE THE HOLE TOO BIG!!!!! :-P
Oh well, I knew what to do!
I got a rubber ring that fit over the funnel end, but since it was black, I had to spray paint it with some textured paint I bought to make redware plates out of (someday)......

It came out perfectly!!!! :-D
And it worked just like I wanted it to.....

So then I had to wait for the electric candle lights that I ordered.  I wanted them to be SMALL and drippy and aged.  I looked around for the best bargain, and ordered them.  They ended up costing about $9 each.  But they included the silicone light bulbs, too!

It was hard to wait, I was so excited about making this light, but it only took a few days.  They got here just before the weekend, which was perfect because I was going to need Brian's help for the last part!! :-)

They had to be taken apart......

 

 

VERY easy!!  I undid the screw -- I was so glad they weren't GLUED!  That would have been trickier!!

I had to cut the wire out......

 

.....which actually was really dumb, because Brian had to cut the wires of both of them anyway!! LOL
I'll remember next time!......

I hammered the tin cups open a little (just cuz I like that look better)......

Now we were ready for the next step......

.....getting it all put together! :-D

This was also Brian's area, although I could drill metal and make recessed holes if I wanted to, but he's quicker and better at it......

No glue needed!!!

Next, he made a hole in the funnel to feed the wires through.....

 

That bottom hole was already there, and will be where we feed the plug-end wire into the funnel.
Now it's ready to be put together!!!! :-D
My antique jelly crock made a perfect "table" so we could staple the wires down.....

Then after feeding both wires into the hole he drilled, and feeding the plug wire into the bottom hole, Brian wired both lights and the plug wire together.....

 

 

 TA-DAAAA!!!!!

It's PERFECT.......

Actually, it needs a little bit more work.  You can't tell in picture, but the wood pieces are wobbly.  I just can't have that!
SO.....I glued and shimmed them the right way......

You can see I even used a level to make sure it was perfect! LOL (it's a mental disease!)
And I used my cut spool piece (another project!) as a weight to keep it in the right position while the glue dried.
The last picture shows the shims I put in to hold the "handle" in a solid up-right position.

Just FYI.....if I hadn't drilled the opening TOO BIG in the first place, I wouldn't have needed to do all this! :-P  Lessons for next time!! :-)

So to hide all this ugliness.....I decided to wrap it in twine!  It adds a nice touch, I think.....

VOILA!!!!!

So there you go, my tutorial for a rusty, make-do candle lamp!!!! :-D

It felt really good to be so excited about creating something!  I've felt like a real DUD about that lately, just not having the energy for anything as I struggle with my feelings about coming loss and the ache of caregiving.  Not that I am complaining one bit about my life!! 
I want to be VERY clear about that -- I know that in all this, *I* am the one who has it easy!!! 

However, the pain of watching someone I care about struggle and suffer, while I can do NOTHING about it, not even my prayers move God, takes an enormous toll on my heart, on ME.  And having to accept God's plan in all this is draining.  I don't want to give up MY plan!  Mine is better, can't He see that??!! :-(

Pat got good news -- she won't need surgery or any more treatments, and will be checked again in 3 months.  I guess that's good (although that was Cheryl's first post-treatment diagnosis, as well -- I didn't say that to Pat or anyone, though).  She was vague with me about whether her cancer is GONE.....and I didn't want to push her on it.  She is happy and optimistic, so I will be too.  I will put my fear for her aside, and concentrate on helping Cheryl.  Please PRAY for her, that God will be merciful and keep the pain away.  No one knows what is causing it when it comes -- it's NOT from her tumors.....I can't believe how much these specialists DO NOT KNOW about cancer and the human body!  It's really disappointing to me.  They have been baffled more times than they have had answers! :-P

Also, please THANK God for giving Pat a reprieve like we've asked Him to.  I am grateful that He has done some healing for her.  We are going to go up for a visit this summer, and I'm so happy that I'll be able to visit her while she is feeling good! :-)

Sooooo ---- I have been working on a few other things around here, too, which means I will have some more FUN posts and pictures for my blog!  YAY!! :-D

I hope everyone had a nice Easter, too!  Although I am deeply spiritual and very strong in my beliefs about God and Jesus, I am NOT religious, and have had several BAD church-experiences.  So we don't go to church.  But we observe and talk about what Easter means, and I am happy to see my children have such a strong faith and belief in Jesus too.  I guess we're doing OK!!! :-D

THANK YOU ALL, my dear online friends, for sticking with me over the many dark months on my blog.  You guys are the reason I didn't just stop blogging and bury my head under my pillow!  I thank God for you all!!  ^-^

Another VERY SPECIAL DAY!!!!

I have wanted to post for the past two to three weekends about stuff that I've been doing -- FUN stuff (finally), but I haven't been able to find the time -- I've been doing alot of running around for my dearest, very ill friend, Cheryl.  NO good news to report with her :-(

But I HAD to post about this first, I HAVE TO......

My precious Adam turned 18 last Friday (April 11)!!!!!!

WHERE did the time go????  He is my second/middle child, and has been a challenge since before he was born!! LOL  NO, I MEAN IT.....when I was 4 months pregnant, he shifted in my tummy and plopped himself onto my sciatic nerve for 2 months!  I couldn't fully stretch my right leg!!  I limped around the whole time!!
THEN, being my largest baby (1oz away from being 9lbs!), I thought he'd come early, but NOPE -- he was born almost 2 weeks LATE......I cried every day for that final week, because I was so uncomfortable and frustrated!! LOL
But then he was born and the REAL challenges began! Hahaha!! :-D 
Remember this picture?  Both my boys, so sweet and tiny (Adam is the baby! :-) ......

He LOVED tearing apart my cabinets!! LOL

And he loved his little plastic car!!!

13 months old and already walking -- he learned

 to walk just after he turned 10 months old!

 

 He loved water.....

 

.....and sliding on our banister

 (which scared me to death!)

You can see by the date on this old photo

 that he's just turned 4 here!!

Here he is on his 13th birthday!!

Enjoying a beach party with our family 

that summer, and already SO tall....

 

Having cake on his 14th birthday!!!

And here they all are when we went out this

 weekend for his birthday.....

 He got to pick wherever he wanted to eat, and it was Red Lobster -- GREAT choice!!! :-D

Now, for a comparison, here they

 are almost 15 years ago.....

......and again, just this past Christmas.....

(see he's taller than his older brother?)

SOOOOO many changes, HOW did that happen....??? :-)  They may grow into adults, but to me I still see them as those tiny children!  How God has blessed me!!  I thank Him every day for the gift of my beautiful children!

Happy Birthday to my baby!!!!

**********************************************************

 

Thanks for reading my gushing post about my Adam!! LOL  I can't help it, I HAVE to gush! :-D

 

I promise, promise to post again in a few days with some fun things I've been up to.  There may be some good news about Pat, so pray for that if you will.  

Thank you, my dearest blogging friends!!  Sometimes you guys are the only happy thing I think about in a whole day.....and I am SO GRATEFUL to you all. :-)

Hanging On By My Fingernails......

Years ago, I saw this book in a mail-order-catalog (remember those??? LOL), and I LOVED the title!!  It was called Everywhere I Go, There I Am.....think about that.....!  Isn't that so profound??  I was going through a real Learning/Understanding-Human-Nature kick (I was a young mom!), and that title just spoke to me about how I and so many people I knew, struggled with finding contentment and happiness in the wrong places!  My mom and I (my MOM-mom, not Pat) talked about that concept at length, and it's really a human truth!

And here I am again, living that same thing in my life, obviously NOT learning anything from my earlier enlightenment (or not remembering it).

So here it is: I got a little bit of money when we did our tax returns, and I wanted to buy some fun things on ebay that I always keep on my watch list, but never buy, because I can't stand to spend the money! LOL  So I bought some favorite things -- mostly pewter, because they were GREAT deals!  And a couple of other things too.  And now they are getting here.  Each weekend, when I go to my PO, I have a package.  I am accumulating the things I have been drooling over and dreaming about for months, and somehow, it's been a huge let-down when I open the boxes and get my hands on my treasures.

Everywhere I go,  There  I  Am.

The problem I'm having is that I am trying to escape ME, and the unhappiness that is emanating from within ME.  Changing locations, changing surroundings, changing perceived circumstances ("I need this pewter for my shelf!"), changing people even.....none of that can work without the person WITHIN feeling satisfied, content, in peace (through faith).  

So now I have the disappointment that these things I waited so long to buy and have DID NOT transform my life into the primitive heaven that I imagine when I look at gorgeous Pinterest pictures and magazine pages and picture trails/blogs (those that are left)......now I'm right back to being  struggling, pained LISA, now with more stuff..... :-P  *Sigh!*

Everywhere I go, There I Am.  I cannot outrun ME, or what is happening in my life (to the people I love).  I have to stand here and wait for the next bad thing to fall, and stand here and face it, and stand here and move into it all, to lay myself open so I can GIVE to those I love who need me.....and then maybe even have to watch how nothing I do will be enough to stop them from going away, from leaving me and their other dear ones.

That is where my life experiences (right now) and my purpose for my blog are at such odds --- I literally have NOTHING to share or give that isn't tainted with these terrible circumstances.  And I have NO creative energy to share or entertain anyone who comes here to read what's going on. 
I have IDEAS, and (now) SUPPLIES......but even if I could start a project, I don't have any ANY energy to complete it.  Why even do it???  Does it cure cancer?  Well, then, it seems like a waste of time at this point.

I'm still TRYING - TRYING.....I have several simple projects I could make, so I'm trying to decide to DO them.  I do get interrupted alot, with needing to go to Cheryl's to help her, or running to the store for something she needs, so it's not ALL MY inaction -- I do spend tons of time being very active for her and hers and my kids, which gives me GREAT satisfaction and happiness.

But I'll try to post next time with some pictures of something DONE here!
That's if I have the energy to hold up the camera to take pictures..... :-(

******************************************************

Cheryl just got out of the hospital after a week, to help her with pain.  At least it wasn't her cancer spreading (she found out), it was just side affects from the drugs she is on.  She has started chemo, and had two treatments.  She is trying to "detox" her body with eating clean, raw food and herbs, hoping to give the chemo some extra healing power.  It's good to see her feeling better now that she is home.

Pat just had her last chemo treatment in her "plan", and is now waiting to see her surgeon the second week of April to find out the results.  She is feeling better and better every day, and has a great, positive attitude.  For me waiting is FEAR/PAIN.

I will post if there are any drastic changes to tell.

THANK YOU for your thoughts and prayers, my dearest internet readers/friends!!!!!  I pray God blesses each of you!!!! :-)

UGG!! Sick Again.....

....Of Course!!!

There's only so much stress a body can absorb before it starts to rebel.  And like I was mentioning on the APP forum (that I FINALLY got back onto, after 4+ months away), I am terrible about LOSS.  It's a real struggle for me to keep it from burying me in despair, and making me bitter.  It's that struggle that stresses me out so much.

So last night, my body just said "GIVE ME A BREAAAAAKKKK!!!!", and leveled me with a stomach-ache from hell! 
And then I guess because it doesn't trust me to take the warning seriously (and stop being so stressed), I feel NO better this morning. :-P  Blah, blah, blah!!!

This is a stomach-ACHE, mind you -- nothing else.  But the ache is awful, it's like having a hot bowling ball rolling around in my abdomen, and it makes me weak and nauseous.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, Body, I'm no longer stressing about anything, because I can't stop thinking about how crappy I feel!

Actually, I'm going to go lay down right now.....I really want to feel better tomorrow because Brian is home and we are going to be starting some changes in the kids'/main bathroom!! :-D
Maybe I will finally take some fun pictures to post......!! ^-^

Trying to Stay Positive.....

.....even with NO reason to be.....

My dear friend Cheryl has been suffering since her non-surgery.  At first she thought it was air from the scope they inserted into her, but every thing they gave her to help it dissipate has not worked.  Then she was throwing up and having pain, so we went to the ER and they thought it was a fluid build-up.  But when she went in to have it aspirated, they couldn't find much and she didn't get any relief.  Finally she got to see a new cancer doctor on Friday, and she said it's from the small tumors in her abdomen, and the only thing that will help will be to get more treatments.  Poor thing!!
I cannot describe the horrible feeling it is to see her like this.....although I know that some of you DO KNOW how it feels.  I feel like something heavy is sitting on my chest, like I can't breathe.  I can confidently say I would do almost ANYTHING to have her healed and back to normal -- 5 years of my life?  Take it.  ANY of my worldly possessions?  I don't want them.  A limb....a kidney??  Don't need them.  Please, PLEASE....just make this all be a bad dream, and let me go back to sharing cooking and gardening tips with her -- it's almost spring, after all.  This was a really fun time for her and me, making plans, giving tips back and forth. 

[For some reason, my post above DID NOT post on Monday, when I wrote it.  So I reposted most of it, and added my post for TODAY below....]

Today has been BAD --- Cheryl had an appointment this morning with the head of the oncology department at her new cancer facility, and there was no good news.  NO GOOD NEWS.  I can't even lift my arms to type it......they have very little hope of getting her into remission.  This doctor even used the words that seemed to take all my breath away when I heard them - "your aggressive type of cancer".

What vanity I had, thinking that my prayers would give God pause to reconsider His plan for Cheryl's life.  All my prayers asking for healing, asking for mercy, asking for life, were for nothing.  They have done nothing.


SO, I think I am going to stop talking about CANCER in every blog post from now on.  It's going to be a challenge for me, since it's kind of consuming me right now, but that's the point -- I don't want it to consume everyone else, too.  I have to tell you all.....I see no hope for either of my loved ones with this vicious disease.  And I think it would be the ultimate in selfishness for me to unload all my dark emotional distress on my best, dearest internet friends every time I post something.

So I will stop making these gut-wrenching updates the main part of my posts.  I'll either post NOTHING, or I'll post something else that is happening in my life (if I even notice anything), and I'll put a quick little update at the bottom of my post, if there is one.  I can't promise I'll post more often....I have to tell you, I feel like I'm drowning right now.  Breathing feels difficult.  What the heck else do I care about posting about???  What else even matters right now?  Paint colors.....?  Recipes.....?  Wood floors.....?  Primitives.....???  NOPE. 

But I'll try.  I promise. 
I'll post about my favorite pins or something like that.  I actually had that idea after my last post (that didn't actually post, but went to my "drafts" at least).  Since I'm not even doing anything fun to talk about, I'll have to post my favorite primitive fantasy pins.
We'll see.

Thank you to everyone who is praying......that's probably why I'm still here and not in bed with the covers over my head, trying to get myself back into the land of Denial.  I really DO appreciate and thank God for each of you!  I know I say that every time, but it's so true, and I feel it deep in my heart for all of you.  May God bless each one of you, and your families!

I Feel Like I've Been Away FOREVER.....!

Wow..... HOW do I post again after so long??? 
I guess it hasn't been that long, but it feels like FOREVER.

I feel like I am a different person than I was before when I was posting.....back "when I had a blog".....

Can I keep blogging....???  I feel like I have nothing of value to give my treasured followers/friends..... how do I post when I feel empty and deeply unhappy???  I don't want to spread THAT around.  My blog is supposed to be a fun, happy place.....for ME, too.....but it just ISN'T right now.  *Sigh*

I want to thank all of you, my dear, faithful followers who check back for updates -- I cannot explain how comforting it feels to have you there for me!  I've been running AWAY from the computer for WEEKS now, so I actually didn't even see the comments that were left.....SORRY!!!
I promise to post updates more often, even if I don't have anything fun to write about. 

Here is what is going on ---

Pat is actually doing pretty well, considering.  She has been having her chemo and not having too bad of a time with it -- what a relief.  She has two more treatments until it's time to re-evaluate how it's going.  Her attitude is terrific now, as her body has nearly healed from the surgery and her chemo side-affects aren't too bad.  But in the back of my mind, a cold fear has settled, and I am so afraid of what's coming.  But I never say that to anyone.

My dear friend Cheryl had her scan before Christmas, and then a small procedure two weeks ago to biopsy-then-burn-off a tiny spot they found on her liver.  She has had a terrific attitude for the past year since she was diagnosed, and this time was no different.  I spent the day waiting to hear from her son who was with her at the hospital.  When SHE called me I was shocked, and she sounded awful -- I thought for a split second that she was calling me from her hospital bed just after waking up.
But she was actually in the car on her way home.....when the surgeon went into her stomach with the scope, he saw "numerous" tiny tumors all over her abdomen, like someone "threw a handful of rice" in there.  She was devastated, just completely shocked and broken.  And to tell you the truth, so was I.  She had been feeling so good.  I had my heart set on God allowing her to be healed.....allowing ONE of my prayers to Him to be heard and answered......can't I have ONE, Lord???

I went off privately and just cried my heart out.  I was grasping with my whole heart onto anything I could think of to feel sure that God had not abandoned us -- me and the people I care about so much.  I didn't really find anything to hang on to......but I am still accepting what God has put in their lives, and consequently, MY life.  I can say that I TRUST Him, as well -- trust Him to do whatever He will, regardless of what puny little me wants.  But that doesn't make me bitter (so far).....maybe because I'm in denial right now.  I don't feel very hopeful.....but as long as I keep it to myself, I'm not hurting anyone with it.

So to keep from drowning in my hopelessness, I have tried to SERVE -- I've been to her house almost every day, helping with something or other.  I've run to the store for her, I've helped them fix their phone line when it went out (it was the jack and wires -- EASY), I've done laundry for them when her dryer broke (she just got it fixed two nights ago), I've made meals and taken her to her doctor appointments.  I've gone over there late at night (one good thing about me being up late!) when she needed me to help her with her bandages and was afraid she was bleeding (she wasn't).  I know I have been a blessing to her, but it's REALLY blessed me even more.  I have been able to put the implications of her returning cancer out of my mind, and just concentrate on what she needs today.....now.  And I'm trying to leave the rest to God.....trying..... :-(

So please PRAY.  Please, please PRAY.

As for My Little Life In the Country, here, well......I'M A FAILURE!!!  I've done NOTHING here, barely even overdue-CLEANING, since Christmas!  I cannot muster a speck of creativity within myself, and I feel weary about facing the things that NEED to be DONE. 

Oh and as a side-note, all my spare thoughts and time (and not-so-spare) have been spent on my newest unexpected endeavor!  You aren't going to believe it....you'd NEVER even guess -- I couldn't believe it, myself!!  Wait for it..........we are probably going to be SUED by a debt collections company!!!!  And the best part about it is, it's for a debt that WE NEVER had! 

Here's what happened -- a day or two after my last post, when I had sadly just managed to take down the Christmas tree, we got a "Notice of Intent to File Legal Action" in the mail.  I have since learned that that is required by NC law before a debt company can file suit for a debt in this state.  SO, we will most likely be sued at some point by them!!  Are we having fun yet???  Well, I freaked out, which the way *I* do that is to dive wholly into learning everything I can about who, what, where, how, why, and then.....WHAT do I do to protect myself/us.  I have spent the entire month of January, reading, studying, writing letters, talking to lawyers, scouring online court documents and laws -- you name it, I've been reading about it!!

Let me just say quickly here (because I'm out of typing-time!), that someone has made a mistake and mixed my hubby up with someone else, but that may not keep us out of court!  The debt company might try to make us PROVE that, because most debt buyers (not the original loan companies) do not care who's debt it is, as long as they get paid --- can you believe THAT!!!?  Oh the stuff I've been reading.....the debt buying business is pure slime!  And since we don't USE credit in our everyday lives, I had no idea all this time that there were companies out there that did this kind of thing! 

So now we are in a holding pattern of sorts, while we wait for responses to my numerous letters.  In the meantime, I'm reading and taking notes about what happens if we end up going to court, and what I can do to make sure we don't get stuck being responsible for someone else's debt. 

PHEW!!!  See???  It's been a distracting 6 weeks!  Playing with my house and blogging about it has seemed like a fairy-tale life I dream about, not my actual existence.  Maybe I can get back to that someday......

I PROMISE to try and post again by the weekend, maybe even tomorrow, because we are getting a snow storm right now, which is kind of exciting, and I'm going to be stuck here for a couple of days -- that's what 7 inches of snow will do here in North Carolina!  Which is why I love it here so much!! (well, one of the reasons :-)

I want to reiterate here how much, how VERY VERY MUCH, I appreciate the care and concern and love that you guys send me.  It makes such a huge difference in how my heart feels and I can't explain why!  But I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to all of you wonderful friends!!!!!  When I talk to God (which is alot nowadays), I always say a prayer that He will bless all of my dearest online friends.  So if you feel God's closeness, or feel blessed, maybe that's from Him answering my prayer for YOU! (hee, hee!!)  That's how I LIKE to think it happens, anyway! ^-^

Happy New Year!!

Hi there, dear readers!

I wanted to say Happy New Year to everyone, although I'm a little late -- I guess I can say Happy Epiphany, right?! :-D
I still have my Christmas tree up.....I know I should be taking it down, but it makes me so happy to look at it, that I'm fighting sadness at the thought of it!  Which is NOT like me.  I guess I feel like I want to FREEZE everything the way it is Right Now.....I'm so afraid of the future.
*Sigh*  Well, I've got to take that tree down this week no matter how I feel -- it's a live tree, although it's not "live" anymore!

Anyway, I'm not going to make this long (.....someday I'll have fun things to post about again....).
I also wanted to let everyone know that Pat is having her third chemo treatment today, with BOTH of the drugs she had in her first one, which was SO terrible for her.  PLEASE PRAY PRAY PRAY that she will tolerate this better, and that it will kill the cancer so she can be healed!!!!!

I am still so afraid.

THANK YOU ALL for reading my blog and caring!!
I will post back with an update as soon as I hear anything. ^-^

Is It the End of DECEMBER....????

I'm sorry that I haven't really posted in over a month......wow, time goes by TOO fast!
It doesn't help that I've been sleep-walking through my life since hearing that Pat has cancer.  It's been so difficult to feel excited, happy, joyful about the holidays or anything in my life.  I am just frozen with fear, waiting for some good news.

But I have no good news to report......about anything.... :-(
I have some NON-news, which I'm actually happy about at this point, but it seems like anything I hear, even if it's slightly positive, is tainted with worse news.  It's just so disappointing and painful.  That's why I haven't been online very much and haven't blogged at all -- although that seems rather selfish of me, now that I think about it.  Sorry! :-(

It took Pat WEEKS to recover from her first chemo treatment.  She threw up so much for 72 straight hours that she gave herself a few concussions, and has very little memory of that whole time.  Who knew that was even possible??  She actually only just had her second treatment two weeks ago, and they only gave her one of the drugs so she did much better.  She still is very weak, is losing her hair and has no appetite at all, but I get to hear from her a couple of times a week, and she is at home now.  She will have her third treatment the first week of January, and they will be giving her both chemo drugs then.  But I'm not thinking about that for now, I'm just grateful she feels ok right now and had a nice Christmas.  Right now they are telling her that they will evaluate her results after her January treatment, and see what progress she's made (if any) before they decide how to continue. (which gives me icy fear in my heart)

My dear friend Cheryl did not get the best news after her post-treatment scan, but she is trying to put a positive spin on it (I just love her).....they found a small lesion on her liver.  She was so disappointed and "frustrated" (her word) about it, because of all she's done and they've done to her, and to get to the end of it and have no cancer where it all started, or in any lymph nodes, but STILL a tiny spot on her liver, just made her annoyed.  I felt devastated, I spent that whole day after talking to her weepy and prayerful -- it just doesn't seem FAIR!  I want Pat and Cheryl to get better.  I want things to go back to the happy times they were before. 

Cheryl has been referred to a different oncologist, now that her cancer has moved to a different area of her body, and her herbalist has stepped up her supplements and diet changes.  She is waiting to have her new oncology appointment scheduled -- they don't seem to be in any hurry.....maybe that's a good sign?  She is looking at it that way, and she's definitely got a fighting attitude.  And after hearing what Pat is going through with her reactions to the treatments, she said she actually feels pretty fortunate.
Please keep praying!

So Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone.....I cannot believe how fast the time has gone from Halloween to now.  It seems like a week, not TWO MONTHS.  I guess because I've been so distracted, more so than my normal hyper-distraction, time has snuck by.
Do you know that I did NOTHING that I planned to do for my Christmas decorations???  No garlands, none of my dried fruits that I worked on so much, no displays that I dreamed about, no primitive fun, NONE of it. :-P  I barely got a tree up two weeks before Christmas, and that's the only thing I did.  UGH!  And I'm looking over at one of my cabinets, and there is still a dried corn cob in the bowl!  I walked by that every day many times and didn't even notice -- could I have put some pine clippings and the pomegranates that I'm drying in there???  Is it too late to do that?  Are pomegranates and pines a winter thing, or just Christmas?  I'm SO disgusted at myself.

Speaking of pomegranates, I've been collecting them, because Aldi's has had them for 65cents a piece all month (!!!) -- how many can one have of something before it's considered "hoarding".....?  Brian and the kids keep mocking me about them ("MORE pomegranates??"), but they are SO easy -- they just dry.....right on the counter.....that's IT!  Oh, I guess I did make one thing, a pomegranate/bay leaf "wreath" that I saw on Pinterest......

Ok, well I was going to upload some pictures, but Blogger won't bring up the photo-thingy.  It just sat there for about 2 minutes, and I was scared that I was going to lose this whole post!  So I'll have to come back and post some pictures.  I suppose I should get off of here now anyway, I have a few family phone calls to make, and I have to get Brian's laundry done for work tomorrow.  He's been home ALL WEEK, and it's been wonderful!  I don't want him to go back to work!!  Not to the kids exactly -- he has a few more rules than their ditzy mom! Haha!! -- but we've had a close family time that has been so special.  I thank God for that. :-)

Now the New Year is almost here!  Yikes!!  I have tons of appointments and errands in the next two days, but I'm going to try to get back on here with some pictures.  I hope you guys can bear with me while I try to find my footing in all of this uncertainty and fear.  I have NOT turned into the kind of blogger I first started out to be.....I'm disappointed in myself for that as well..... *Sigh!*
I promise to try and find something to offer my blog readers -- just hang in there with me! ^-^

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

.....ALREADY???.....

I can't believe how fast time has gone!

And I am SO SORRY I haven't posted once, I have just not been on the computer, except maybe for Pinterest recipes and to pay bills.  I am only making this a short post, just for Christmas, but I promise a Real one by the weekend!  Let me just say that for right now, things are in limbo --- neither bad nor good, and I'm actually pleased and relieved by that (for Pat)!  Please just keep praying that God will intervene and heal her.  We won't get any update on how her treatments are working until mid-January, so as long as she can stay out of the hospital, all is well.  It's the little victories that make me grateful and give me HOPE. 

I want to say a special Thank You to my friends who have emailed me privately -- that has meant SO MUCH!!!!  I am sorry that I don't email back quickly, but I love the emails, and I feel so blessed to have such caring people in my life.....ALL of you!! :-)

And I wish and pray that you all have a wonderful, joyful Christmas tomorrow!!!!
From ME, with love! ^-^

Faith and Prayer.....

Please continue to pray for my dear Pat -- she had a terrible reaction to her first chemo treatment, and she is still having problems a week later, and is still in the hospital. :-(  She keeps sending me little email messages here and there, and her concern is with making ME feel ok.....can you believe that??  That is what a caring, protective person she is -- she doesn't want ME to worry about HER.  I can only hope that I would ever be able to live up to her example if I go though something so treacherous someday!

Also, my friend Cheryl has an appointment in two weeks with her doctor about her post-treatment scan.  The only thing he would tell the nurse to tell her was "there is improvement".  That really irritates both of us!  Why make the appointment about the scan 4 weeks after it if there is only "improvement"??  PLUS.....the nurse told her all her blood work numbers look GREAT, like pre-cancer levels.  So she and I have decided we are going to feel guardedly optimistic about her results!! :-)

I am still NOT on my computer very much, even my Pinterest activity is VERY reduced.  I am having a hard time finding excitement or JOY about my insignificant little pursuits around here.  I haven't finished painting my kitchen cabinets......SO???  I haven't made a pomegranate wreath I was so excited about......SO???  I haven't taken any pictures of the things I thought were really fun around here, before.....SO??? *sigh!*

Like I said before, I really struggle with LOSS and my faith in a loving God.  Along with my prayers of "PLEASE, PLEASE heal/protect my loved ones!!!", I always have to pray that He will help me to trust Him even when I don't get the answers I want (which has happened alot).  So this morning, as I was trying to clean up my browser pages that I keep leaving open (I bet I have over 100 windows open!), I saw part of this pin underneath my pin of a recipe, and I clicked on it......

Here's the link to Pinterest..... http://www.pinterest.com/pin/508132770428580592/

I think God put it right there for me to see!!

The last part is what really spoke to what I feel and need in my life when I cannot understand God -- "I may not be able to see the BLESSING in this situation, but I ask You for the STRENGTH to accept it as it is...."

Seeing this pin after many days of praying that God will help my faith stay strong tells me that God IS listening to me, He IS in control of this situation, and He DOES want me to keep my faith strong!  I am SO GRATEFUL that He answered my prayer this way!!

So I wanted to post this in case it could help anyone else who might read this.  Plus, I really wanted to point out what God has done for ME -- His puny, whiny, faith-questioning child.  When I reached out to Him, He was RIGHT THERE.  FOR ME.  And since I have no problems complaining loudly, I absolutely had to THANK Him "loudly", as well!

So I will continue to plod along, praying for healing and strength, and TRUSTING that God is at work here.  I don't think this will give me my JOY back, but it has given me comfort and a stronger faith.  That's my stepping stone to JOY!! :-) 

Thank You, God!

BETTER News....!!

I've been trying to write this for two days, but my internet is bugging out again.....but it's all good because I have MUCH BETTER NEWS than the last time I posted!

It turns out that the person who told Pat that there was nothing that could be done for her with cancer cells in her lung fluid was the Lab Tech.....the next day, her doctor came in and said that person had "spoken out-of-turn" (I personally think he should be FIRED), and that he wasn't surprised about the cancer cells found, and that no one should panic, she will go ahead with her chemo treatments as scheduled, and he is still very optimistic that her cancer will respond well to treatment.

PHEW!!!  I know that we're actually only back to square two, where she was before, but boy, that's better than the end square I thought she was at!  And that errant Lab Tech should get a reprimand AT LEAST -- I cried all that night and the next morning until my sister called me back with the REAL story, and imagine what it did to Pat!

So I talked to her sister last night, and Pat is able to go home today, but they are going to give her her first chemo treatment today (which takes a while), and then watch her after before letting her leave.  But she will be home tomorrow at the latest!  YAY!!  I think it will really make a difference in her mood to be HOME, and she only has her treatments every 3 weeks, so she will have plenty of time to recover in between (if she needs to), and to work on positive thinking!  Plus I'll be able to talk to her again.

I am so relieved that I have something GOOD to report -- this was the thing I was going to post about last time, until my sister blindsided me with the terrible comments from that Lab guy.  I am feeling hopeful and positive about this for her, and I know how to pray now -- not for God to give me the strength to handle losing her, but for her to have comfort and complete healing.....AND I should probably keep praying that God will help me with my faith in Him when He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want.  I have really struggled with that when people I love have died. (Or when shootings or bombing take place)  But I want to do better at that! 

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN for the comments of support and prayers!!!  I have to keep thanking you all, because I am always SO touched and comforted by everything you do!!  It really means SO MUCH! :-)

And PS to Stacey -- Thank you so much for your story!  That was the first thing that started making me feel better, even before the revised news got to me, and you are right, it sounds very similar!  I've passed along everything you said to Pat, my dad, and her sister, and it actually looks like now they were planning on treating her almost the same way -- now I will just pray that she gets the results your sister got!!  I will pray that she will have complete healing after all her treatments.  Blessings and hugs to you and your sister, too, from me! 

It Cannot Get Any Worse......

Pat has had a hard time since her surgery.  She was supposed to be released last week, but complications started almost immediately.  The most serious was fluid in her lungs, which they thought might be pneumonia, so they whisked her right away for xrays/scans and to take a sample of the fluid.  We were so relieved it wasn't pneumonia, and she started feeling better two days ago, and started eating better.  Then her doctor told her that the cancer was actually a "very treatable" kind, and I started to have some hope that she would have a miracle and God would let me have her with me for awhile longer.

Then.....TODAY......the pathology came back on the fluid in her lungs.....

There are cancer cells in it.
So now the doctor said there is basically nothing else they can do for her.  Her cancer is Stage 4.

I can't imagine the mood in her hospital room right now.  How do we wrap our minds around this?  How do we COPE with this reality???  HOW does someone feel healthy and happy with their life in the beginning of October and end up with a death sentence 6 weeks later?

She may never even leave the hospital.

My heart feels like it's been brutalized, aching so deeply I can hardly breathe.
I can't believe that this is happening to us, to her.  It's not true!  It CAN'T BE TRUE.

I'm still waiting to talk to her -- I called and left her a message as soon as my sister called me with the news, but I'm sure she isn't ready to talk to me yet.  All we can do is cry together.

I will be going up there as soon as I know what is going to happen next -- will she stay in the hospital?  Will she feel good enough to go home for a while?  Should she have hospice care yet?
I don't want to get in the way of anyone while I'm up there, I just want to BE with her and hold her hand, and do anything she asks me to.  That's my prayer now......that God will allow me to be with her, if only for a little bit, and be a blessing to her.
PLEASE, Lord!  Let me have that one last connection with her, one more memory for me to savor!


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, EVERYONE for your comments and emails of love and support for me.  They mean SO MUCH to me, and are so comforting to me!  I treasure every one, and I treasure ALL my blogging friends, even those who don't comment but are still praying and thinking of me!  I wish I could put into words how wonderful you all are to me.  THANK YOU!

Devastated......

Thank you everyone who commented, and even those who didn't comment but are there -- it eases my heart to know that dear caring friends are praying for my stepmom, Pat.

She had surgery today to remove the cancer, before starting chemo, but the results are BAD.......they couldn't remove all the cancer because it is everywhere in her abdomen, it is attached to too many other organs.

This is the absolute OPPOSITE of what I was hoping God would allow.  This is NO answer to prayer for me.  I guess the plan is to start chemo, hoping it will shrink the cancer and they will be able to operate again and take it out.  I want to keep praying and begging God to answer my prayer for her, but WHY, when I know He already has His plan in motion.  He isn't going to alter what His plan is for Pat because *I* don't like it.
So how to pray???  For grace?  For comfort?  To keep my faith as He drags me down a very painful, unwanted path.....??

I continue to beg Him, of course, that she will be the 1 in 100 to receive a diagnosis like this and get treatment and go into remission, and then joy and happiness can return to us all.  I will hang on to that thread of hope.

Please continue to pray.  And THANK YOU ALL from the deepest part of my heart!

Sadness.......

I've been trying to write this post for over a week......

First, I am SO SORRY that I haven't posted in almost a month.  I was starting to really feel inspired after my birthday, especially with Fall starting here, and the trees changing colors.  I'm really disappointed in my blogging efforts all this year..... :-P

Sadly, two weeks ago, we found out my stepmom has stage 3 ovarian cancer, and will have to go through surgery and chemo.  I am devastated.  It's all the more difficult because she is almost 1000 miles away from me (in Mass), so HOW can I be there?  How can I hold her hand or hug her or HELP her AT ALL???

And don't let the word "stepmom" mislead you about what she is to me -- my parents separated and then divorced by the time I was 2yrs old, and they each met their significant-others soon after, and have been with them since.  So I actually don't have ANY memories of my parents together, all my memories are of two sets of parents.  And she has been such a loving, steady influence for me.  She has truly NEVER raised her voice at me!  She was always a kind, gentle teacher (and still is!). 
I have always believed that God gifted me 4 wonderful parents!!  What a blessing!

Her cancer is different than my friend, Cheryl's is -- they are both stage three, but my stepmom's is quite a bit more advanced and has spread further into her body.  

I just cannot believe I'm typing these words. 

I am terrified.  So is she.  It's awful to see her so afraid, after her being such a strong positive woman all my life. :-(  It makes me all the more fearful.  She is trying to be positive, but it's hard with all the waiting and uncertainty.  I know it's hard for ME to be positive -- all I can do is PRAY PRAY PRAY.....but my list is getting long when I talk to God.....what if He doesn't give me what I want SO much? 


So......I am not really going to be blogging or painting or making anything around here for a little bit.  All I've been doing is sitting on the couch, crocheting.  Somehow that makes me feel comforted.  I'm making a shawl for her.  Next I'm going to make one for Cheryl, my friend.  She just finished her last chemo, and she goes next week for her scans to see if her cancer is gone.  More praying.

I promise to come on and give updates when I get them.  I just need a little time to wrap my mind around this, and time to beg God to spare her and let us keep her here a while longer.  Until she finds out more about her cancer (after her surgery), I feel just frozen with uncertainty and foreboding.

I also MUST say that I am SO GRATEFUL for all my dear internet friends!!!!  You are my confidants, my cheerleaders, my prayer warriors......YOU are all a blessing from God to me, too!  I think I would be drowning right now if it weren't for my best online friends!!  And I thank God for you! ^-^