Monday Morning......

OK, my computer wire is fixed -- YAY!!!
Yesterday, I wrote this post on my daughter's computer -- it was nice to write a lighthearted, fun post for a change......

Oh, what a beautiful morning....!!! (you can read that as the song, if you are old enough to know it!  OR, if you are an Old-Movie-Junkie, like me!! :-D)

I'm sitting here by my living room window - which is open - before anyone else is up, and it's in the mid-60s and slightly breezy -- YUMMY weather!  For the past week almost, it's been in the mid-90s and muggy, so this morning the change in the weather is definitely Autumn-ish -- even the breeze smells different!!!

This summer has flown by!  Partly because we've had the mildest summer here in NC since I moved here 11 years ago, partly because I haven't done a lick of gardening this year, partly because Brian has been home recovering this whole time, and I'm sure partly because of the grief I've been carrying around -- I haven't really "looked up" to notice anything going on in my life except whatever was right in front of me.... I've been living in the moment, you might say.

I'm feeling very reflective this morning, because it's the first morning without Brian sitting next to me in FOUR MONTHS -- it's his first day back to work since hurting his fingers.  And actually, I'm feeling really lonely for him.... *Sigh!*  I am not the kind of person who EVER gets bored or annoyed or tired of my husband being around, or any of my loved ones, for that matter, but especially my husband.  And I am SOOOO blessed by God to have Brian who feels the same way!  I know many couples look forward to, and enjoy, time away from eachother, and even men more than women, but not us!!  We've only been apart ONE night since we were married, and we were miserable! LOL

My family (especially my sisters....except for Karen!) thinks I'm crazy and a little annoying, and they always make fun of how Brian calls me every day from work on his breaks, or when he's home and runs to the store how he calls me when he gets there, or when he's on his way home!  They've said that would drive them crazy.....but not ME!!!  Hahaha -- I love it!!  I wait for all his calls when he's not home (even for only 15 minutes! LOL), and I actually carry the house phone around with me so I don't miss them! :-D

*SIGH!*  SOOOO, that's the long way of saying I'm a little lost this morning without my husband home!  It will be nice to get back to his normal income, though -- I have a very delicate thread of finances arranged for us, and this slightly broke that up, but I can get that all put back together properly in two pay-weeks, I think.

While Brian was home, he wasn't able to do any kind of house-projects until this past month, but *I* have been a PROLIFIC CREATOR since my friend Cheryl went to stay with her friend before she died.  I had been spending so much time with her and doing things for her, that when she didn't need me like that anymore, I had nothing to do!  Well, except THINK and WORRY, which I wanted to distract myself from, so I started making things.....LOTS of things!

So....I am going to show some pictures of my creations, but only the finished products -- NOT the step-by-step pictures (YET!).  I can post those another time, but I still want to dazzle you all with my new "OLD" creations!! haha! :-D

HERE THEY ARE.....

 This is one of my very first creations.....

I got the design from an old "The Country House" catalog -- this is probably around 7yrs old!  I never liked how it turned out, so it got buried in my boxes of STUFF.  When I found it a few months ago, I sanded it and waxed it with dark wax, and suddenly I really liked it!!  Now to find a place to hang it....! :-D

Here is something I've wanted to make for SO LONG, this is the original (from PINTEREST, of course!).....

Isn't it GREAT...?!!
So I made one.....

*Sigh!*  Again, not-so-great....! :-(
BUT, Brian pointed out that the original is actually made of resin, not wood, so it's made from a mold -- I could never duplicate THAT.  So I sanded it and waxed it with my dark wax again, and voila! ....I liked it!  This picture doesn't capture the depth of the wood grain that makes it look so nice, but you get the idea!

This small chest I looked at for months....I couldn't close the page! LOL.....

And here is MINE.....

I ordered the rusty hinges online, and the latch is from Lowes -- it was gold, but I spray painted it with rust-colored, then brown textured paints, and it looked PERFECT!!

Remember me talking about hollowing out my own log....?

Here's what I came up with -- it took ALOT of work!!  Brian cut out the insides for me, but trying to sand the ridges in it was VERY hard!  It's another creation that I'm not really happy with, but after my dark wax, it grew on me a little more.

THIS was a fun project.... BEFORE.....

....and AFTER.....

Some black and then  "stone" textured spray paint turned my little thrift store find into a stoneware crock!!! :-D
I'm SO happy with how this came out that I have several other things I'm going to make into "stoneware"!!!  I can't afford a REAL collection, so I have to settle for these! LOL

Here are two other thrift store gems that were transformed with paint....

I LOVE the table "riser"!  It looks so nice anywhere in my kitchen!!
The salt box isn't as bright as my flash made it, and I didn't get the wooden pegs I used instead of hinges for the top -- I love pegs now!! :-D

Here are my "Redware" plates.....

These were HARD for me to do!!!  I am NOT a good free-hand draw-er!  I had to re-paint the top one because I could not get that pattern right!  I have to either use a stencil (like in the middle picture), or draw the design lightly in pencil (like the last plate).  I still have to "distress" these -- I'll sand them and add some dark paint specks to them, and maybe wax them (I'm just loving that wax!! LOL).
I have a few more plates that are spray painted and waiting for their "slip" design, so I'll have a collection of FAUX redware when I'm done! :-D

And the former APP Forum members will remember this.....

And these.....

See the paper picture in the top pic...?  I'm going to make her next, I guess part of my "Home-making" series!! LOL  I can't help it, I LOVE those pictures of women working in their homes! :-)

This one is wonderful..... a FAVORITE!!
Here are the Pinterest pictures that inspired me.....

They are salt boxes!  I love this second one the best!!
Brian had been working on a lathe that we got him for Christmas - it was the one tool he could use when his fingers started healing! -- and he was making all kinds of "practice" bowls and things.

Well, without even SEEING these pictures, one of the pieces he turned was perfect, so all I needed to do was add a back, and a lid.

I LOVE IT!!! :-D
For the lid, I had him cut off the bottom of his little "box", and I attached it with little metal hooky-things I made myself (so they would look like the old wire hinges of the originals!).
SO FUN!!!!  Now I want him to make more! :-D

Here's a drawer box from Hobby Lobby that I modified.....

And a single drawer jewelry box from the thrift store that was ONE DOLLAR....

That's the top, and the holes are where a brass railing-type decoration was.  That had to be pried-out immediately! (it was so ugly!)
I filled in the holes with sawdust and wood glue mixed together, and found the perfect Pinterest pic to inspire me (it's bigger than mine, but I loved the knobs).....

....and VOILA....

I'm SO excited about my single-drawer piece!  It looks great on my shelf!! :-D

I LOVE love any kind of drawer chest!!!!  I'm obsessed with them!  So when I saw THIS at the thrift store for $2, I had to grab it.....

I wanted ring-pulls and a better color for it, so this is what I came up with....

MUCH better!!  *Sigh!* I LOVE little drawers...!!

This was a fun, easy project I found on -- can you guess? -- PINTEREST! Hahaha!!....

Mine are the bottom ones -- she used metal around the outside, but I used twine.  I like the look of it better!  I will also wax mine like she did, because I love the dirty look of her husks!!

THIS spoon rack was haunting my thoughts (haha!).....

I love her decorations in it!!!
Mine gave me a hard time -- I kept measuring wrong, and Brian finally had to rescue me!

I can't wait to put Christmas decorations in it!! :-D

Remember the candle stand....??  I FINALLY tackled rusting and gluing the tin pieces, so it's finished!
Here is the original....

Here is mine.....

Of course, I don't have candles in it, yet (I want to grunge some up for it!), and my flash made the color too bright, but in reality it looks JUST like it!
But.....now where do I put it....?? LOL

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Getting sick of all my pictures yet??  I'm getting sick of loading them all onto Blogger!
Don't worry -- I'm almost done! ;-)
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I LOVED this neat tiered tray.....

(LOVE that cutting board, too!!)
So I gathered the supplies from ebay -- funnel, fluted tin trays/"candle pans" -- and put them together and spray painted them....

PERFECT!!! :-D  Of course, it doesn't lean in real life.....I'm not sure what's going on with my careless picture taking lately! :-P

And I found THIS in a Country Sampler magazine....

See that neat cupboard tucked under her cabinets??  I couldn't stop myself from immediately measuring wood and drawing sizes to make it!
Brian had to help me again with a couple of things, but most of it was done by ME!! :-D

I LOVE it!!!  I'm trying to find a spot on my counter for it, but it could go anywhere, really!

And last, but not least..... I love this picture from the book "Seasons at Seven Gates Farm"....

*Sigh!*  Soooo beautiful!!!  And can you see what caught my eye....?  Not the very-cool green drawer chest (which I would LOVE, but it looks a little daunting to make!), but on the next shelf up, the VERY interesting chest-thingy??  Well, whatever it is, I love it....

Oh yeah, that's a MUST-HAVE!!! :-D
But I've been caught in the middle of it.....

I've got the knobs on now, but it still needs to be painted!  THEN I'll post a picture!! :-D

Of course, maybe everyone is sick and tired of looking at all these pictures by now!!! LOL

This post has taken me HOURS and two days to write!  I started on my daughter's laptop yesterday morning, just typing everything out, but I had to wait for that plug wire to finish with the pictures on my computer, which is what I just did.
PHEW!!  I really need to get up and move around! LOL

What these pictures don't show is that while I've been making lots of stuff, I haven't been doing much actual housework -- haha!!
And that's because it's BORING! blegh!!  :-D
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Well, before I go, I want to finish up with trying to figure out what to do about having a new forum.  No one has really commented about a preference of WHERE, so let me ask again -- would anyone object to a Yahoo group???  I went in to ProBoards after my post about it (earlier this month, before my computer went dead), and it looks like their forums are free because they have ADS in them.  I know I wouldn't like that.  Yahoo groups are EASY and FREE, but they aren't fancy at all, just a list of posts.  There are places that you can put images into files for others to look at, but no avatars or backgrounds or categories for posts.
Would that be OK with everyone?

I don't want to go forward with this without knowing if anyone objects to it!  Or maybe someone knows another forum-site we could use?

Let me know in the comments, and I'll get on it.

I hope you enjoyed my picture-filled post!  I hope I didn't go overboard with it....I still have BUNCHES of things in my head that I want to build, but if I do, I'll try to space those out instead of springing them all on everyone at once!

Enjoy these early Fall days while they last -- I've heard it's supposed to get to 90 degrees this weekend, so summer's not over yet! ^-^

Just a QUICK POST......!

Ok, I have to be QUICK because for the past 2 weeks, I've had major computer problems!! :-P

The battery plug "socket" got damaged somehow, and I can't charge my computer -- I can't even keep it plugged, it can't connect to the power source!!!!!  Brian has taken it apart and soldered (??) the wires, which got it to work A LITTLE, but I only have about 10 minutes of battery life at any given time, so I can't post everything I want to just yet!
We ordered a new plug socket, so hopefully it will get here by Monday or Tuesday and then I can have my computer again....!!

I just wanted to quickly reach out to all of you who commented on my last post -- I would LOVE to do either a ProBoards forum again, or a Yahoo group.  I know alot about Yahoo groups and NOTHING about ProBoards, but how hard can it be, right...?  Does anyone have a preference between the two??  I'm not sure if *I* am the best person to be in charge of this.....I have the attention span of a flea, and a terrible memory -- I can lose my keys walking from one end of my house to the other.....but if you guys want me to set it all up, I absolutely will!!  You will all have to stay on top of me, though, so I don't lose my focus! LOL

OOPS!!  There's my low battery warning!  I have to post this now before I LOSE it!

I'll be back as soon as we get that plug, so leave any ideas/thoughts in the comments for me! :-)

Have a great weekend!!!!!

UNHAPPY AGAIN....!!!!

I CANNOT believe this......the APP Forum is GONE.  No notice, no warning, no consideration -- GONE.

I am actually really angry!  I can't believe that the "owners" of A Primitive Place would DO something so sudden, so FINAL, to those of us left who loved it there.....and they KNEW we loved it and didn't want it to go!  It's like they woke up yesterday morning and looked at it and just clicked "Delete".  Obviously they didn't care AT ALL how that would affect the few of us left who went on there every day.  How about a banner along the top telling us it would be gone August 1, the week before??  Or a post??  I've checked their blog (which they don't care about anymore either), and their facebook page (I can look at public FB pages as a non-FB-person, which I only do in Emergencies!), but there is NO MENTION of their plan to delete the forum.

Many of the remaining posters on there were some of the original people supporting the magazine, BEFORE it was created....when it was just an idea.  So this is how they treat those people???  And, there were many posts on there with great ideas and great pictures -- some members posted tutorials, or places to find "primitives", there was a whole post about favorite Colonial music (with CD titles and artist names) that I LOVED and referred to -- if I had had even a DAY or two to know what they were going to do, I could have gone back and taken notes or screen shots of those important posts to save for myself.

And one the things I've been working towards, to know that I'm feeling better and ready to be social again, was going back on the forum and posting and joining in.  That's been my goal that I've been working on for over a month -- now what? :-(

Also, now I have NO WAY to connect with some of my most favorite people!!  EVERYONE left on there for the past 8 months was warm, friendly, helpful, and I felt so close to them all.....now where are they??  I only know most of them from their "names" on there!  Maybe with a little warning, we could have all exchanged email addresses or come up with another way to reconnect.
Marsha Grace, Debra, "Stitcher", my Duntie, my TWO Donnas, Karen, Marlene (so special to me, even though we haven't talked in awhile), Honora, Jo, Cathy ......and many others who I know only by their site names, and have no way to find now!! :-(   These are friendships that I NEED, friends who help keep me grounded and uplifted, friends who helped me figure out how to DO things, friends who comforted me when I needed it, friends who *I* could help and uplift and comfort too!!  Sure I can email some of them individually, but it's much better to be able to be part of a group, and talk together.
Now that's GONE.  It doesn't seem fair!


I just think they should have done better.  I expected it after the way they interacted with us on there.  And I think they owed that to the forum members who had been on there years longer than I had been!  Just DELETING it like that was SO inconsiderate, to put it mildly.
They had to know that the people still using and enjoying that forum would be shocked and upset by this --- did they simply not care???  I am surprised to say that I believe they DON'T.


I absolutely feel wronged, and I'm angry about it.  I would think that as "customers" and followers of APP, the forum members would be considered by the APP staff as having the same importance as their Facebook followers ......but I guess not.  You definitely DO NOT do something like this to people who matter to you.  This is what you do to people you don't care about at all.

SOOOO......what can be done about this....?  How many of my readers are from the APP Forum??  Do any of you know how to find others who don't read my blog?  Maybe WE should start our own forum???  It could be a Yahoo group -- those are easy to set up (although "ugly" to post to!).  Or we could "Create your own free forum with ProBoards!" according to the message on the page that's there now, where the forum should be.

Or maybe no one wants to do any of that, which is ok too (but sad).

So please please comment on here with your thoughts, any of you.  I don't want to lose people who are SO PRECIOUS to me!!!!  We can make our own site to visit on -- I used to be part of a Yahoo group for homeschooling (actually several), and it's EASY to do!!

What do you think.....??

AMAZING!!!!

I have been SICK .....I have some kind of "infection", but no one can figure out where.  Could I run into ONE situation where Doctors actually have answers??

So I'm on antibiotics, which is YUCKY for me because I'm actually allergic to Penicillin, so I have to take a different category of antibiotics which really bother my stomach.
BUT..... at least I'm on the mend.  I feel better now at the beginning of Day 3 (of medicine) than I have felt for almost two weeks!  Of course, the worst part of antibiotics, and the reason I avoid them whenever possible, is that you have to take them until they are gone, NOT until you feel better -- you must take them ALL.  BLEGH!!!  :-P

Anyway, I am doing OK, besides moments of profound sadness.  Having dealt with loss and death for over half my life, the part that I hate the most (besides actually LOSING the person I love), is how you can be going along feeling mostly ok, then something will occur to you about your loss that hits you like a truck, and devastates you, and it's like it just happened again.  This has happened to me about my Aunts being gone, even as recently as this past Christmas!!  And they have been gone for 27 years and 13 years!  Some years I coast through The Dates -- you know, their birthdays, their deaths, the last times I saw them -- and mark another year almost nonchalantly ("wow, it's been 25 years since Marcia died!", "today is the last time I talked to Diane before she died 12 years ago,  and I still remember almost everything we said").
But then out of nowhere, PEELING POTATOES at the sink with Christmas music playing, listening to my kids enjoying their Christmas presents with Brian helping them set things up, I had to SIT DOWN because a wave a grief came over me that almost knocked me over!  Just by happily remembering a Christmas from my childhood when everyone was still alive and we were all together -- a GREAT memory!

So that has been happening ALOT since Cheryl died, and to a smaller degree, my Grandpa.  And it's awful because you have NO control over your feelings and reactions to it (or at least, I don't), so no matter where you are when you have these dreadful "realizations", you can just start crying!
And I'm resentful again, that there is this huge loss for me/us, yet the world just continues on like always.  I'm supposed to now navigate my life with another HOLE in it.  I'm telling you, my life is starting to look like Swiss Cheese.

Anyway, I really didn't get on here to whine and complain about my poor feelings -- :-P
I wanted to share something that I find so comforting and AMAZING!!

Remember all the things I said about my Grandpa....?  I knew he would be deeply missed by the community in the Northboro/Southboro/Marlboro area where he had spent most of his life and made such a huge impact, but I had no idea.....

Late coach is called inspiration to many


That is a link to an article in the Boston Globe about him!!!

And here are the obituaries, with numerous condolences and messages about how much he impacted people in a positive way....

 http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/telegram/obituary.aspx?pid=171726007

 http://www.haysfuneralhome.com/obituaries/obituary-listings?obId=140094#/celebrationWall


See why I am SO proud to be his grand-daughter?!! :-)
(and PS~ they spelled my last name wrong!)

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So I am slowly making my way back to the land of the living, not just existing.  If I could conquer this mystery "infection", I might actually have the energy to post some pictures of things I made before Cheryl died.  I haven't done much since, but when she first went to stay with her cousin, I was working on TONS of things!  I had spent so much time WITH her, helping her, that when she left it was like there was nothing to do and I got a little crazy, or some would say "frantic". 

I also MUST SAY how much I appreciate all the comments, emails and thoughts and prayers from my dearest friends!!!!  I know I keep saying it, but it really means SO MUCH, I can't even put it into words! 
Thank you all from my whole heart for the love and care you've sent me!!  I will never forget any of it!!!  XOXO

Another Sad Day.....

My Grandpa died early this morning.  It's not terribly sad for HIM, but I'm sad for my mom.  No one shares her memories of her early life now.  Everyone from her immediate family is gone.  Of course, she had six kids, so she's hardly alone, but there has to be something unbalancing about being the last one left like she is.

My Grandpa was the grandson of Ida Ojerholm, who I've talked about before on my blog.  She came from Sweden in the 1880s.  He's the son of her youngest child, Margaret.  He was born too late to fight in WW2, but his cousin Eric Ojerholm was a Marine and fought and died at Iwo Jima (after his father fought in WW1, and survived).

My Grandpa was the only child of his parents, and early on loved and excelled at football.  Right after he met my Nana, he played one season for the NY Giants!  (which doesn't help me like them ONE BIT! :-P)  But he was considered too small (ha!), and besides, my Nana told me, they "were in love" (said with a drippy, heavy voice)(my Nana was funny! :-)
So he didn't go back, and he married my Nana, and he went to work at two jobs and raised a little family of 3 girls!

About the time I came along (1969), he had just started a coaching job in Marlborough, Massachusetts, at which he would end up becoming "legendary Coach Kronoff", and be inducted into the High School Football Coaches' Hall of Fame!  It was a huge deal!!  But I am most proud of being his granddaughter because of his attitude, and it's effect on people.  He had a strong work ethic, and as a coach (and later, a substitute teacher, where all the kids loved him, as well! :-), he never bullied or swore, or would allow that with his assistant coaches.  He never allowed showing off in the end zone or after plays AT ALL.  He believed in hard work, a positive attitude, and treating others with respect and fairness.

Long after he was coaching anymore, when I was an adult and would be visiting him and my Nana and aunt, random men would show up to see him and shake his hand and tell him what they were doing now -- sometimes they were IN college, sometimes they were married men -- and they wanted to come see him.  He used to say that was one of the perks of being a coach for him, having former players come back to tell him how their lives were turning out.

In my swirling, chaotic life, HE was a grounding person for me -- my big, strong, never-ruffled Grandpa.  Nothing bad could ever happen to us with my Grandpa as the head of our family.

....Except it did....

I will say one of the worst things that happened to blow apart my world was when my aunt Marcia, his youngest daughter and 30yrs old, was killed by a drunk driver.  I was 17, and my dad drove me to my Nana and Grandpa's house that morning (she had died around 1am), where my aunt Diane, my mom and my sister Karen already were.  It was horrifying.  And the horrors just kept coming -- listening to all of my beloved grown-ups sobbing and my mind scrambling to find a way that it wasn't really true, it didn't really happen.....trying to WAKE UP from this horrible dream to my real life, where my biggest tragedy was having to tell my dad I got a B in Physics.

But there would be no waking up -- this WAS my real life, and what the worst memory for me of that day (and the days that followed) is, was when I heard my aunt Diane walk into my Grandpa's tv room where he was sitting, and then I heard him break down and cry, sobbing like a little boy but with the deep sounds of his voice.  That's when it hit me that this WASN'T going to be ok, EVER .....my Grandpa was crying.

Recently, well "20yrs"-recently (lol), he enjoyed becoming a GREAT-Grandpa!!  We have lots of pictures of him surrounded by an ever-increasing number of babies and little kids! :-)

Of course, *I* got the FIRST.....hee hee hee!

Being the oldest, I am ALWAYS first....!! :-D

That is my Grandpa, with his daughter (my Mom), and ME (her daughter), and then MY two boys, who were the first-born grandchildren!  You can see I'm holding my trouble-some ADAM in a "sling" carrier -- my hand is unconsciously covering his face when the camera flashed, because I remember he was finally asleep, and I was hoping to get an hour's nap out of him! :-)

Actually, the latest pictures of him with ALL the other grandchildren who have come along since are alot better -- CUTER! :-)  There's him with TONS of kids!!  I don't have any of those with me, I know my sisters have them on their cameras/phones/computers.  THIS picture I posted is an actual paper picture, I can hold it in my hand.  I remember being so impressed by the technology of my new camera that stamped the date on the pictures!

Here are some other favorite pictures of me and my Grandpa.....

The first two are with my dearest Nana, too!  The last one of me on the slide is about a year or so later.  I was the first grandchild, so I was treated like a princess!! :-D  These pictures are also the hard, cardboard kind.....does that make me old....? :-)

I have to say, I'm really ready for this summer to be OVER, for this year to be OVER.....I feel overwhelmed by all this loss, and a little insecure now about who else could I/we lose before 2014 is over.....what is next?  I haven't talked to Pat in almost a month, because she's traveling around the country visiting sisters and nieces with new babies, and having fun while she feels good.  As far as I know, she isn't having any "cancer issues", and I'm VERY grateful for that.....I pray it continues ....forever!  Of course, it can't..... *Sigh!*

I am sad and sorry that my Grandpa is gone, but I am glad for him that it was quick and he had lived a full, satisfying life that he felt grateful for.  He also was happy and ready to join my Nana and Aunt Marcia and Aunt Diane, who died before him.  I will miss him, but I am SO grateful and proud to be his grand-daughter!  And I thank God for that.  My heart is grateful.

For My Dearest Followers/Friends......

I don't have the words to describe how touched, comforted, and GRATEFUL I feel from the thoughts and prayers that you all expressed to me.....there are no words that can convey how special it was to read your comments, and to know that even those who didn't comment were praying and caring about me!! 

Audrey, thank you so much for your perspective!  I had been thinking about your feelings through this whole thing with Cheryl, ever since you mentioned how hard it was for you to read about what I was going through because of your recent loss.  But you never avoided my painful posts, and your comments were almost always the first ones -- even though I knew it was difficult for you.  I am SO touched by your selflessness -- sending me comfort and support every time you could tell I needed it!  What an amazing, generous friend you are to me, THANK YOU for being here!!

Barb, your comment and quote had such a wonderful affect on my feelings -- I could feel myself slipping into a little bitterness over how many times God has taken someone I care about, and how unfair it seems -- WHY ME...???  But after reading your comment, I could feel that self-pity disappear, replaced with acceptance and understanding.... along with relief (bitterness and mistrust of God always scares me, even when I can't control it).  I called my mom to read that quote to her, too, and your comment, and it was a comfort to her as well!  THANK YOU for your friendship, I treasure it, and it's always a blessing to me!

Cheryl, THANK YOU for being such a faithful friend to me.....seeing your comments and emails is like getting a hug from you.  You are like a big sister to me, and I wish you were here too!

Donna, your comment was so comforting, reminding me that my friend is away from ME, but in spiritual joy in heaven.  I get so caught up in what *I* have lost, I don't always think about what has really happened -- her suffering is over, and she is "...celebrating in Heaven".  Reading those words eased some of the sadness in my heart, and I am SO grateful for that!  THANK YOU for being such a caring friend to me!

Grace, I was so touched to see your comment -- I enjoy our posts on the APP Forum so much.  You are a sweet, positive friend to everyone, and it makes me happy to have you call me "friend".  I am SO grateful for your prayers and thoughts (and hugs!).  THANK YOU for your caring comment!

Debra, your comment was so special to me, partly because it was unexpected, but also because of your kind words.  Everyone on the APP forum is so special, and I'm very happy that you joined to add to the fun and closeness.  I look forward to posting on there again when I feel more cheerful and can be inspiring and fun again.  THANK YOU for your comment and your thoughts and prayers! 

And to ALL my other followers/readers .....even if you don't comment, I am grateful for all those who have been praying and hoping for Cheryl and Pat, and me.  And all those readers who care about what's happening to us over here.  The people I've met online are THE BEST people I've ever met, and I thank God for bringing you all into my little life! :-)

With a Heavy, RENDED Heart......

My friend Cheryl died yesterday.

It was the first day of summer.  I remember her telling me just a few months ago that she wanted to get her treatments done in time to feel good for the summer, when her grandchildren were going to come for a visit.  When she said it, I silently prayed, "PLEASE, Lord!" (add that to the list of my prayers that God completely swept aside).  Now there will be no more summers with her..... WHO is going to get excited about the seeds I buy for my garden, or ooh-and-aah over my plants???  (I haven't planted ANYTHING this year, I just didn't have the heart for it....)

It was so strange, because I had been crying all morning, and I couldn't get myself to stop for long enough to care about doing anything.  I went to see her two days earlier, and had been teary and sniffly since then as a cold horror settled around my heart..... but yesterday I was losing control of it and had to go into my bedroom several times.  Then I got that phone call, and it was like all the color left and all the doom that has been on my heels actually enveloped me.

She came back here two weeks ago to pick up some things (she's been staying about 25 minutes away), and although she was too weak to get out of the car, I was able to stand with her and talk to her for an hour or more.  Her voice was soft and weak, but we enjoyed talking about "regular" things for a little while, and then she pointedly told me that she wasn't getting any more chemo, so what would be, would be.  I told her I was praying for her every day.  Before she left, I hugged her tightly, and she hugged me back.

When I visited her three days ago, she hardly knew I was there.  She was on a couple of heavy drugs for pain and anxiety, so she had been sleeping almost all the time, but she looked at me briefly when I held her hand and told her I was there.  When I got in the car to leave (Brian was driving), I suddenly realized that I would never talk to her again..... NEVER.  And now I'm alone back here in the woods, with no one to talk to about gardening, and canning, and internet problems, and homeschooling, and our kids, and husbands, and God.....and everything.....and anything.  My dear friend, my only friend down here, is gone.  TAKEN....


When she first told me she had cancer a year-and-a-half ago (was it that long?), I remember praying desperately to God that he please, PLEASE, not let me watch her die.  And now that's exactly what I've had to do.  She never even got into remission, not even for 3 months.

How can I even talk to Him now???  How can I ask Him for comfort when He wouldn't answer any of my other prayers....??

If I should die and leave you here a while,

Be not like others, sore undone, who keep

Long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.

For my sake - turn again to life and smile, 

Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do

Something to comfort other hearts than thine.

Complete those unfinished tasks of mine

And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

- Mary Lee Hall

I Guess This Is Going to Be a Bad Summer......

****Here is my original post from a few days ago..... ****

WHERE does the time go....?????  Is it really JUNE already??
Brian is still home, and healing nicely!  I still have a hard time looking at that cut-off finger..... I even feel sad when I look at past pictures of him that show his WHOLE finger -- I want that tip back on!!! :-P
In spite of his yucky finger, it has been truly WONDERFUL to have him home with me all this time!!  We have so much fun just being together! :-)  He helps me out with all the things I want to make! :-D
OH!!  Which reminds me -- I have been working on SO MANY little projects, my head is spinning!  Some of them have been waiting to be finished since last Fall, when my motivation completely crashed after hearing about Pat being diagnosed with cancer.  And some are just on a whim, from browsing my favorite/worst site -- PINTEREST!!!

Pinterest is MY "Facebook"!!!  Since I'm not ON Facebook, by that I mean, what everyone who IS on it is like.....addicted!  Aaaahhhh!!!!!!  (hahaha!)


First, I want to say that I haven't gotten very much further on that project I talked about in my last post -- I am working on the metal part now, trying to "age" it the way I like, and then I have to GLUE it with some special metal glue, which all scares me a little!!  So off to the side it sits, while I work up the courage to press on with it.



While I am feeling really good about getting my motivation back, and loving the feeling of CREATING again, what is really going on with me is that I'm running -- trying to outrun the inevitability of my friend Cheryl's situation.  It's like a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow, or goosebumps stealing across my neck and scalp, or the feeling that I cannot catch my breath anymore.  And it's always there.  How can I bear this???   

Sadly, she is getting worse and worse.  In early May, she spent nearly a week in the hospital in severe pain.  Since then, she went straight away to stay with her oldest friend (who has been asking her to stay with her for 2 months now), so she could have someone with her all the time, helping her eat, making sure she takes her medicines, and just basically relieving the stress and anxiety for Cheryl having to deal with this alone every day.  While I know this is GOOD for her, I still feel very bad about it -- it frightens me.  Does this mean she is never coming home?  Is she going to die there??  It has been SO AWFUL watching her deteriorate so quickly since she learned about her cancer coming back -- attitude really IS everything with this disease.  And constant pain wears you down - physically, emotionally, AND mentally.  It has really taken away her will to fight -- all she is fighting now is that pain.
She is not far away, I can still go see her easily, but she doesn't really want any visitors.  Most days she doesn't even feel like talking on the phone. :-(

Happily, there is NO NEWS about Pat (so far), she is feeling better every day, which is GREAT.  However, this is CANCER..... I foresee pain and loss for our family....soon. :-(

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I thought I would post the above because I wrote it a few days ago, and kind of stalled because I didn't have the time to upload the pictures of the projects I wanted to show everyone.  I wanted to share my happy-ish post, the first one in awhile.  I was pulling out of my slump a little, with the help of denial and avoidance.  I wish I could keep them around longer..... I need them to keep from slipping and sinking, sinking, sinking......

Today we found out that my Grandfather, my mother's father (not Pat's), has a tumor the size of a baseball in his left lung.  They also think it may be in his brain already.  He is going for an MRI to see where it is for sure, but he's already said that he doesn't want any interventions -- no operations or treatments.  He is 87 years old, but up to now, very active and healthy.  And what I've never shared on my blog is that he's already lost his wife and two daughters, and is at peace with this being his time to go.  That wife and two daughters were my Nana and my two aunts, my mother's mother and sisters.  Those were sudden deaths that happened years apart (and years ago), and were horrible and life-changing.  Devastating.  But I don't need to share all that.

I started my blog as a fun journal-type-place to share happy things and the joy and contentment I feel in my little life, in the home I've always wanted, being a homemaker and mother -- my most favorite "jobs" to do EVER. 
But that isn't what my blog has been about for 6+ months now.  It's all sadness and bad news, and a journal of me trying to fight what is burying me, as I try to climb out and over it.  I just DO NOT want to have the saddest, pain-filled blog on anyone's list.  I CANNOT keep coming on here with worse and worse news, and more and more pain.
And I think I'm having a nervous breakdown (do they even call it that anymore?) --- last week I found a black snake in a bird's nest that I had been excitedly watching the parents feed and raise their three babies in for several weeks.  I was so horrified, I jumped up on a ladder with some tongs and grabbed that snake by his neck and hung on.  I saw one dead bird in the nest, and another one flapped/fell out, and still holding the snake, I ran and woke Brian up, crying uncontrollably.  He took the snake to the woods across the street, while I put the live baby back in the nest and then Brian took the dead one out.  And I couldn't stop crying over it -- even though Brian pointed out that I had saved the other two babies (and they actually left the nest two days later and flew unsteadily away with their parents right beside them), I stayed awake for hours sniffling and crying over it.  It was like all the feelings that I keep in check all day, each day, just tumbled out.  It took two days for me to get that sadness back under control.

So I don't think I am in any shape to be blogging right now.  I think I will do more harm to my readers than good.  I think I need to stop posting about my life right now, until the wave of sadness finally passes over me and is GONE (if it ever will be....).  And continuing to try to post, but never really doing it, is making me feel like a failure to everyone, which isn't helping me in my fight against Despair....which I'm losing.....

I want to thank all of my dearest, best online friends -- you all mean SO MUCH TO ME!!!!  I've never had such wonderful people in my life, in real life!  DON'T LEAVE my blog, because I will be back....I will keep taking pictures of things I do or make (if I do or make anything), and I'll post them when I can post with JOY again. There has to be another side to get to -- there HAS to be.  Somewhere I'm going to see a lifeline from God, and when I grab it I will find peace with all this loss......and then I'll start posting again, about what is good in my life and fun, and joyful.

I Am Making Something..... :-D

I posted this on the APP forum yesterday, because I only had a snippet of time to be on my computer (I've been running ragged for the past week!).  Between appointments for Brian (doctor AND Workman's Comp), Adam (braces - almost off!), ME (routine thyroid check), and visiting Cheryl in the hospital :-( .....I haven't had much time to sit and type online!  (It takes a long time to type things out!!)

But, I digress --- I've been working on something VERY cool!!! :-D
Brian has been helping me as much as he can, but mostly just directing me on how to do it myself.  Oh, it's so FUN!

Here are the pictures.....

Can you guess what it is going to be...??? :-D
Here's a hint -- I am copying this almost exactly from another site! 
Is that legal for me to do....?  Could I sell this when it's done.....??  I think so, because I've seen many people/companies selling the same primitive/colonial items.  I even think they copied it from The Seraph, who probably copied it from a real antique.  This isn't anyone's original design.....so there couldn't be any "copyright" issues.
PHEW!  Ok, I answered my own question about it!! :-)

Anyway, I still have a bit more to add to it, then I have to put it all together and paint it!  I'm going to try and get to that tomorrow, because it's going to be a rare Stay-At-Home day -- YAY!!

Just wait until you see it.....hopefully it will look the way I planned! LOL  ^-^

We Interrupt the Fun With Another Physical Setback......

I guess God must think I make a GREAT caregiver.....

Wednesday morning, Brian had an accident at work, and crushed the tip of his pointer finger on one hand, and cut off the tip of the same finger on his other hand.....

TERRIBLE, but he said it could have been so much worse......he said that if he had been holding that piece of steel just a little differently, it would have cut off ALL the fingers of BOTH hands!
I was/am HORRIFIED!!!


The worst part for me was that when I worried about why he hadn't called me at his usual time during his lunch break, and finally called him because I couldn't wait anymore, I was expecting what usually happens when I feel that kind of nervousness settle inside me -- a simple explanation and RELIEF.
That didn't happen this time, and it shook me deeply (I still feel it).  I am what you would call a Worrier: I always think of the worst that could happen, I constantly watch for signs of something bad about to happen, I relive the memories of bad things that have happened before, etc, etc, ad nauseam.
What makes that tolerable to live with is that I am almost always wrong, and I get to feel that relief, which uncorks the fear that builds up inside me so it drains away.
But this time, I was right -- something bad DID happen, which reminds me that bad things CAN really happen.

So we are thanking God that it wasn't worse (THANKING and thanking)(did I mention THANKING Him?), but it was definitely bad, no question, and the poor guy has a few rough days ahead of him still.  And even after he heals, that fingertip isn't going to grow back, which strangely bothers me alot more than I expected.  I guess because I am very attached to all parts of him, and I don't want to give any of them up! :-(  AND, I don't want him to have a stumpy finger -- I want his finger to go back to normal!!!!  Stumpy fingers are creepy!  (Except to my boys, they said Brian will look "COOL" now.... Huh??.... "COOL"???  Boys! UGH!!)

Naturally, I don't have much time to dwell on that right now, because I've been running around taking care of him and doing things for him that he can't do for himself.  Of course, by today, he was pacing around like a grumpy bear, and when I wasn't looking, cut the fingers off of a rubber glove, taped them securely over each bandaged finger, and sneaked into the shower to wash his own hair (I've been trying to convince him that I could help him with that, easily -- it was the only thing he couldn't wash on his own with plastic bags on his hands).
He didn't get them wet, but he paid holy hell because after he got out of the shower, his fingers were very angry at him for disturbing their quiet healing time, and began throbbing and shooting with pain.  WHY doesn't anyone ever listen to me???

So after a half-hour of ice-packs, pillow-towers, a neck-rub, and homeopathic remedies (YES, I use them -- they work!!!), I was able to put those angry digits back to sleep.  And I've confiscated all the rubber gloves that are left!

Through all this, I can't shake the feeling that there's a Disturbance in the Force.....I know this wasn't that bad, he wasn't severely injured, he doesn't have cancer.....but it COULD HAVE been.  And all while I was making lunch here at home, oblivious to what was happening to my beloved, completely unaware that a MAJOR injury almost happened.  In the Industrial Park that his company is located in, a man was killed by a machine at another company just last year.  HIS wife got a very different phone call than I did -- but I could have gotten that call.....

......and what if I DO get a call like that someday....???

It makes my soul shudder to know what's possible -- what other surprises are waiting for me in my future....?  Denial, I need to get back into Denial, where all the sane, happy people are!

Anyway, I had planned on finishing some "faux redware", but it's going to take me a little longer to get to that now.  And I happily have NO NEW UPDATES about Cheryl or Pat!!!  YAY!  No news is GOOD news with them!! :-)

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!  And keeps all the pieces of their bodies ON them! LOL ^-^