Faith and Prayer.....

Please continue to pray for my dear Pat -- she had a terrible reaction to her first chemo treatment, and she is still having problems a week later, and is still in the hospital. :-(  She keeps sending me little email messages here and there, and her concern is with making ME feel ok.....can you believe that??  That is what a caring, protective person she is -- she doesn't want ME to worry about HER.  I can only hope that I would ever be able to live up to her example if I go though something so treacherous someday!

Also, my friend Cheryl has an appointment in two weeks with her doctor about her post-treatment scan.  The only thing he would tell the nurse to tell her was "there is improvement".  That really irritates both of us!  Why make the appointment about the scan 4 weeks after it if there is only "improvement"??  PLUS.....the nurse told her all her blood work numbers look GREAT, like pre-cancer levels.  So she and I have decided we are going to feel guardedly optimistic about her results!! :-)

I am still NOT on my computer very much, even my Pinterest activity is VERY reduced.  I am having a hard time finding excitement or JOY about my insignificant little pursuits around here.  I haven't finished painting my kitchen cabinets......SO???  I haven't made a pomegranate wreath I was so excited about......SO???  I haven't taken any pictures of the things I thought were really fun around here, before.....SO??? *sigh!*

Like I said before, I really struggle with LOSS and my faith in a loving God.  Along with my prayers of "PLEASE, PLEASE heal/protect my loved ones!!!", I always have to pray that He will help me to trust Him even when I don't get the answers I want (which has happened alot).  So this morning, as I was trying to clean up my browser pages that I keep leaving open (I bet I have over 100 windows open!), I saw part of this pin underneath my pin of a recipe, and I clicked on it......

Here's the link to Pinterest..... http://www.pinterest.com/pin/508132770428580592/

I think God put it right there for me to see!!

The last part is what really spoke to what I feel and need in my life when I cannot understand God -- "I may not be able to see the BLESSING in this situation, but I ask You for the STRENGTH to accept it as it is...."

Seeing this pin after many days of praying that God will help my faith stay strong tells me that God IS listening to me, He IS in control of this situation, and He DOES want me to keep my faith strong!  I am SO GRATEFUL that He answered my prayer this way!!

So I wanted to post this in case it could help anyone else who might read this.  Plus, I really wanted to point out what God has done for ME -- His puny, whiny, faith-questioning child.  When I reached out to Him, He was RIGHT THERE.  FOR ME.  And since I have no problems complaining loudly, I absolutely had to THANK Him "loudly", as well!

So I will continue to plod along, praying for healing and strength, and TRUSTING that God is at work here.  I don't think this will give me my JOY back, but it has given me comfort and a stronger faith.  That's my stepping stone to JOY!! :-) 

Thank You, God!

BETTER News....!!

I've been trying to write this for two days, but my internet is bugging out again.....but it's all good because I have MUCH BETTER NEWS than the last time I posted!

It turns out that the person who told Pat that there was nothing that could be done for her with cancer cells in her lung fluid was the Lab Tech.....the next day, her doctor came in and said that person had "spoken out-of-turn" (I personally think he should be FIRED), and that he wasn't surprised about the cancer cells found, and that no one should panic, she will go ahead with her chemo treatments as scheduled, and he is still very optimistic that her cancer will respond well to treatment.

PHEW!!!  I know that we're actually only back to square two, where she was before, but boy, that's better than the end square I thought she was at!  And that errant Lab Tech should get a reprimand AT LEAST -- I cried all that night and the next morning until my sister called me back with the REAL story, and imagine what it did to Pat!

So I talked to her sister last night, and Pat is able to go home today, but they are going to give her her first chemo treatment today (which takes a while), and then watch her after before letting her leave.  But she will be home tomorrow at the latest!  YAY!!  I think it will really make a difference in her mood to be HOME, and she only has her treatments every 3 weeks, so she will have plenty of time to recover in between (if she needs to), and to work on positive thinking!  Plus I'll be able to talk to her again.

I am so relieved that I have something GOOD to report -- this was the thing I was going to post about last time, until my sister blindsided me with the terrible comments from that Lab guy.  I am feeling hopeful and positive about this for her, and I know how to pray now -- not for God to give me the strength to handle losing her, but for her to have comfort and complete healing.....AND I should probably keep praying that God will help me with my faith in Him when He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want.  I have really struggled with that when people I love have died. (Or when shootings or bombing take place)  But I want to do better at that! 

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN for the comments of support and prayers!!!  I have to keep thanking you all, because I am always SO touched and comforted by everything you do!!  It really means SO MUCH! :-)

And PS to Stacey -- Thank you so much for your story!  That was the first thing that started making me feel better, even before the revised news got to me, and you are right, it sounds very similar!  I've passed along everything you said to Pat, my dad, and her sister, and it actually looks like now they were planning on treating her almost the same way -- now I will just pray that she gets the results your sister got!!  I will pray that she will have complete healing after all her treatments.  Blessings and hugs to you and your sister, too, from me! 

It Cannot Get Any Worse......

Pat has had a hard time since her surgery.  She was supposed to be released last week, but complications started almost immediately.  The most serious was fluid in her lungs, which they thought might be pneumonia, so they whisked her right away for xrays/scans and to take a sample of the fluid.  We were so relieved it wasn't pneumonia, and she started feeling better two days ago, and started eating better.  Then her doctor told her that the cancer was actually a "very treatable" kind, and I started to have some hope that she would have a miracle and God would let me have her with me for awhile longer.

Then.....TODAY......the pathology came back on the fluid in her lungs.....

There are cancer cells in it.
So now the doctor said there is basically nothing else they can do for her.  Her cancer is Stage 4.

I can't imagine the mood in her hospital room right now.  How do we wrap our minds around this?  How do we COPE with this reality???  HOW does someone feel healthy and happy with their life in the beginning of October and end up with a death sentence 6 weeks later?

She may never even leave the hospital.

My heart feels like it's been brutalized, aching so deeply I can hardly breathe.
I can't believe that this is happening to us, to her.  It's not true!  It CAN'T BE TRUE.

I'm still waiting to talk to her -- I called and left her a message as soon as my sister called me with the news, but I'm sure she isn't ready to talk to me yet.  All we can do is cry together.

I will be going up there as soon as I know what is going to happen next -- will she stay in the hospital?  Will she feel good enough to go home for a while?  Should she have hospice care yet?
I don't want to get in the way of anyone while I'm up there, I just want to BE with her and hold her hand, and do anything she asks me to.  That's my prayer now......that God will allow me to be with her, if only for a little bit, and be a blessing to her.
PLEASE, Lord!  Let me have that one last connection with her, one more memory for me to savor!


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, EVERYONE for your comments and emails of love and support for me.  They mean SO MUCH to me, and are so comforting to me!  I treasure every one, and I treasure ALL my blogging friends, even those who don't comment but are still praying and thinking of me!  I wish I could put into words how wonderful you all are to me.  THANK YOU!

Devastated......

Thank you everyone who commented, and even those who didn't comment but are there -- it eases my heart to know that dear caring friends are praying for my stepmom, Pat.

She had surgery today to remove the cancer, before starting chemo, but the results are BAD.......they couldn't remove all the cancer because it is everywhere in her abdomen, it is attached to too many other organs.

This is the absolute OPPOSITE of what I was hoping God would allow.  This is NO answer to prayer for me.  I guess the plan is to start chemo, hoping it will shrink the cancer and they will be able to operate again and take it out.  I want to keep praying and begging God to answer my prayer for her, but WHY, when I know He already has His plan in motion.  He isn't going to alter what His plan is for Pat because *I* don't like it.
So how to pray???  For grace?  For comfort?  To keep my faith as He drags me down a very painful, unwanted path.....??

I continue to beg Him, of course, that she will be the 1 in 100 to receive a diagnosis like this and get treatment and go into remission, and then joy and happiness can return to us all.  I will hang on to that thread of hope.

Please continue to pray.  And THANK YOU ALL from the deepest part of my heart!

Sadness.......

I've been trying to write this post for over a week......

First, I am SO SORRY that I haven't posted in almost a month.  I was starting to really feel inspired after my birthday, especially with Fall starting here, and the trees changing colors.  I'm really disappointed in my blogging efforts all this year..... :-P

Sadly, two weeks ago, we found out my stepmom has stage 3 ovarian cancer, and will have to go through surgery and chemo.  I am devastated.  It's all the more difficult because she is almost 1000 miles away from me (in Mass), so HOW can I be there?  How can I hold her hand or hug her or HELP her AT ALL???

And don't let the word "stepmom" mislead you about what she is to me -- my parents separated and then divorced by the time I was 2yrs old, and they each met their significant-others soon after, and have been with them since.  So I actually don't have ANY memories of my parents together, all my memories are of two sets of parents.  And she has been such a loving, steady influence for me.  She has truly NEVER raised her voice at me!  She was always a kind, gentle teacher (and still is!). 
I have always believed that God gifted me 4 wonderful parents!!  What a blessing!

Her cancer is different than my friend, Cheryl's is -- they are both stage three, but my stepmom's is quite a bit more advanced and has spread further into her body.  

I just cannot believe I'm typing these words. 

I am terrified.  So is she.  It's awful to see her so afraid, after her being such a strong positive woman all my life. :-(  It makes me all the more fearful.  She is trying to be positive, but it's hard with all the waiting and uncertainty.  I know it's hard for ME to be positive -- all I can do is PRAY PRAY PRAY.....but my list is getting long when I talk to God.....what if He doesn't give me what I want SO much? 


So......I am not really going to be blogging or painting or making anything around here for a little bit.  All I've been doing is sitting on the couch, crocheting.  Somehow that makes me feel comforted.  I'm making a shawl for her.  Next I'm going to make one for Cheryl, my friend.  She just finished her last chemo, and she goes next week for her scans to see if her cancer is gone.  More praying.

I promise to come on and give updates when I get them.  I just need a little time to wrap my mind around this, and time to beg God to spare her and let us keep her here a while longer.  Until she finds out more about her cancer (after her surgery), I feel just frozen with uncertainty and foreboding.

I also MUST say that I am SO GRATEFUL for all my dear internet friends!!!!  You are my confidants, my cheerleaders, my prayer warriors......YOU are all a blessing from God to me, too!  I think I would be drowning right now if it weren't for my best online friends!!  And I thank God for you! ^-^