Trying to Stay Positive.....

.....even with NO reason to be.....

My dear friend Cheryl has been suffering since her non-surgery.  At first she thought it was air from the scope they inserted into her, but every thing they gave her to help it dissipate has not worked.  Then she was throwing up and having pain, so we went to the ER and they thought it was a fluid build-up.  But when she went in to have it aspirated, they couldn't find much and she didn't get any relief.  Finally she got to see a new cancer doctor on Friday, and she said it's from the small tumors in her abdomen, and the only thing that will help will be to get more treatments.  Poor thing!!
I cannot describe the horrible feeling it is to see her like this.....although I know that some of you DO KNOW how it feels.  I feel like something heavy is sitting on my chest, like I can't breathe.  I can confidently say I would do almost ANYTHING to have her healed and back to normal -- 5 years of my life?  Take it.  ANY of my worldly possessions?  I don't want them.  A limb....a kidney??  Don't need them.  Please, PLEASE....just make this all be a bad dream, and let me go back to sharing cooking and gardening tips with her -- it's almost spring, after all.  This was a really fun time for her and me, making plans, giving tips back and forth. 

[For some reason, my post above DID NOT post on Monday, when I wrote it.  So I reposted most of it, and added my post for TODAY below....]

Today has been BAD --- Cheryl had an appointment this morning with the head of the oncology department at her new cancer facility, and there was no good news.  NO GOOD NEWS.  I can't even lift my arms to type it......they have very little hope of getting her into remission.  This doctor even used the words that seemed to take all my breath away when I heard them - "your aggressive type of cancer".

What vanity I had, thinking that my prayers would give God pause to reconsider His plan for Cheryl's life.  All my prayers asking for healing, asking for mercy, asking for life, were for nothing.  They have done nothing.


SO, I think I am going to stop talking about CANCER in every blog post from now on.  It's going to be a challenge for me, since it's kind of consuming me right now, but that's the point -- I don't want it to consume everyone else, too.  I have to tell you all.....I see no hope for either of my loved ones with this vicious disease.  And I think it would be the ultimate in selfishness for me to unload all my dark emotional distress on my best, dearest internet friends every time I post something.

So I will stop making these gut-wrenching updates the main part of my posts.  I'll either post NOTHING, or I'll post something else that is happening in my life (if I even notice anything), and I'll put a quick little update at the bottom of my post, if there is one.  I can't promise I'll post more often....I have to tell you, I feel like I'm drowning right now.  Breathing feels difficult.  What the heck else do I care about posting about???  What else even matters right now?  Paint colors.....?  Recipes.....?  Wood floors.....?  Primitives.....???  NOPE. 

But I'll try.  I promise. 
I'll post about my favorite pins or something like that.  I actually had that idea after my last post (that didn't actually post, but went to my "drafts" at least).  Since I'm not even doing anything fun to talk about, I'll have to post my favorite primitive fantasy pins.
We'll see.

Thank you to everyone who is praying......that's probably why I'm still here and not in bed with the covers over my head, trying to get myself back into the land of Denial.  I really DO appreciate and thank God for each of you!  I know I say that every time, but it's so true, and I feel it deep in my heart for all of you.  May God bless each one of you, and your families!