Thursday, February 27, 2014

Trying to Stay Positive.....

.....even with NO reason to be.....

My dear friend Cheryl has been suffering since her non-surgery.  At first she thought it was air from the scope they inserted into her, but every thing they gave her to help it dissipate has not worked.  Then she was throwing up and having pain, so we went to the ER and they thought it was a fluid build-up.  But when she went in to have it aspirated, they couldn't find much and she didn't get any relief.  Finally she got to see a new cancer doctor on Friday, and she said it's from the small tumors in her abdomen, and the only thing that will help will be to get more treatments.  Poor thing!!
I cannot describe the horrible feeling it is to see her like this.....although I know that some of you DO KNOW how it feels.  I feel like something heavy is sitting on my chest, like I can't breathe.  I can confidently say I would do almost ANYTHING to have her healed and back to normal -- 5 years of my life?  Take it.  ANY of my worldly possessions?  I don't want them.  A limb....a kidney??  Don't need them.  Please, PLEASE....just make this all be a bad dream, and let me go back to sharing cooking and gardening tips with her -- it's almost spring, after all.  This was a really fun time for her and me, making plans, giving tips back and forth. 

[For some reason, my post above DID NOT post on Monday, when I wrote it.  So I reposted most of it, and added my post for TODAY below....]

Today has been BAD --- Cheryl had an appointment this morning with the head of the oncology department at her new cancer facility, and there was no good news.  NO GOOD NEWS.  I can't even lift my arms to type it......they have very little hope of getting her into remission.  This doctor even used the words that seemed to take all my breath away when I heard them - "your aggressive type of cancer".

What vanity I had, thinking that my prayers would give God pause to reconsider His plan for Cheryl's life.  All my prayers asking for healing, asking for mercy, asking for life, were for nothing.  They have done nothing.

SO, I think I am going to stop talking about CANCER in every blog post from now on.  It's going to be a challenge for me, since it's kind of consuming me right now, but that's the point -- I don't want it to consume everyone else, too.  I have to tell you all.....I see no hope for either of my loved ones with this vicious disease.  And I think it would be the ultimate in selfishness for me to unload all my dark emotional distress on my best, dearest internet friends every time I post something.

So I will stop making these gut-wrenching updates the main part of my posts.  I'll either post NOTHING, or I'll post something else that is happening in my life (if I even notice anything), and I'll put a quick little update at the bottom of my post, if there is one.  I can't promise I'll post more often....I have to tell you, I feel like I'm drowning right now.  Breathing feels difficult.  What the heck else do I care about posting about???  What else even matters right now?  Paint colors.....?  Recipes.....?  Wood floors.....?  Primitives.....???  NOPE. 

But I'll try.  I promise. 
I'll post about my favorite pins or something like that.  I actually had that idea after my last post (that didn't actually post, but went to my "drafts" at least).  Since I'm not even doing anything fun to talk about, I'll have to post my favorite primitive fantasy pins.
We'll see.

Thank you to everyone who is praying......that's probably why I'm still here and not in bed with the covers over my head, trying to get myself back into the land of Denial.  I really DO appreciate and thank God for each of you!  I know I say that every time, but it's so true, and I feel it deep in my heart for all of you.  May God bless each one of you, and your families!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I Feel Like I've Been Away FOREVER.....!

Wow..... HOW do I post again after so long??? 
I guess it hasn't been that long, but it feels like FOREVER.

I feel like I am a different person than I was before when I was posting.....back "when I had a blog".....

Can I keep blogging....???  I feel like I have nothing of value to give my treasured followers/friends..... how do I post when I feel empty and deeply unhappy???  I don't want to spread THAT around.  My blog is supposed to be a fun, happy place.....for ME, too.....but it just ISN'T right now.  *Sigh*

I want to thank all of you, my dear, faithful followers who check back for updates -- I cannot explain how comforting it feels to have you there for me!  I've been running AWAY from the computer for WEEKS now, so I actually didn't even see the comments that were left.....SORRY!!!
I promise to post updates more often, even if I don't have anything fun to write about. 

Here is what is going on ---

Pat is actually doing pretty well, considering.  She has been having her chemo and not having too bad of a time with it -- what a relief.  She has two more treatments until it's time to re-evaluate how it's going.  Her attitude is terrific now, as her body has nearly healed from the surgery and her chemo side-affects aren't too bad.  But in the back of my mind, a cold fear has settled, and I am so afraid of what's coming.  But I never say that to anyone.

My dear friend Cheryl had her scan before Christmas, and then a small procedure two weeks ago to biopsy-then-burn-off a tiny spot they found on her liver.  She has had a terrific attitude for the past year since she was diagnosed, and this time was no different.  I spent the day waiting to hear from her son who was with her at the hospital.  When SHE called me I was shocked, and she sounded awful -- I thought for a split second that she was calling me from her hospital bed just after waking up.
But she was actually in the car on her way home.....when the surgeon went into her stomach with the scope, he saw "numerous" tiny tumors all over her abdomen, like someone "threw a handful of rice" in there.  She was devastated, just completely shocked and broken.  And to tell you the truth, so was I.  She had been feeling so good.  I had my heart set on God allowing her to be healed.....allowing ONE of my prayers to Him to be heard and answered......can't I have ONE, Lord???

I went off privately and just cried my heart out.  I was grasping with my whole heart onto anything I could think of to feel sure that God had not abandoned us -- me and the people I care about so much.  I didn't really find anything to hang on to......but I am still accepting what God has put in their lives, and consequently, MY life.  I can say that I TRUST Him, as well -- trust Him to do whatever He will, regardless of what puny little me wants.  But that doesn't make me bitter (so far).....maybe because I'm in denial right now.  I don't feel very hopeful.....but as long as I keep it to myself, I'm not hurting anyone with it.

So to keep from drowning in my hopelessness, I have tried to SERVE -- I've been to her house almost every day, helping with something or other.  I've run to the store for her, I've helped them fix their phone line when it went out (it was the jack and wires -- EASY), I've done laundry for them when her dryer broke (she just got it fixed two nights ago), I've made meals and taken her to her doctor appointments.  I've gone over there late at night (one good thing about me being up late!) when she needed me to help her with her bandages and was afraid she was bleeding (she wasn't).  I know I have been a blessing to her, but it's REALLY blessed me even more.  I have been able to put the implications of her returning cancer out of my mind, and just concentrate on what she needs  And I'm trying to leave the rest to God.....trying..... :-(

So please PRAY.  Please, please PRAY.

As for My Little Life In the Country, here, well......I'M A FAILURE!!!  I've done NOTHING here, barely even overdue-CLEANING, since Christmas!  I cannot muster a speck of creativity within myself, and I feel weary about facing the things that NEED to be DONE

Oh and as a side-note, all my spare thoughts and time (and not-so-spare) have been spent on my newest unexpected endeavor!  You aren't going to believe'd NEVER even guess -- I couldn't believe it, myself!!  Wait for it..........we are probably going to be SUED by a debt collections company!!!!  And the best part about it is, it's for a debt that WE NEVER had! 

Here's what happened -- a day or two after my last post, when I had sadly just managed to take down the Christmas tree, we got a "Notice of Intent to File Legal Action" in the mail.  I have since learned that that is required by NC law before a debt company can file suit for a debt in this state.  SO, we will most likely be sued at some point by them!!  Are we having fun yet???  Well, I freaked out, which the way *I* do that is to dive wholly into learning everything I can about who, what, where, how, why, and then.....WHAT do I do to protect myself/us.  I have spent the entire month of January, reading, studying, writing letters, talking to lawyers, scouring online court documents and laws -- you name it, I've been reading about it!!

Let me just say quickly here (because I'm out of typing-time!), that someone has made a mistake and mixed my hubby up with someone else, but that may not keep us out of court!  The debt company might try to make us PROVE that, because most debt buyers (not the original loan companies) do not care who's debt it is, as long as they get paid --- can you believe THAT!!!?  Oh the stuff I've been reading.....the debt buying business is pure slime!  And since we don't USE credit in our everyday lives, I had no idea all this time that there were companies out there that did this kind of thing! 

So now we are in a holding pattern of sorts, while we wait for responses to my numerous letters.  In the meantime, I'm reading and taking notes about what happens if we end up going to court, and what I can do to make sure we don't get stuck being responsible for someone else's debt. 

PHEW!!!  See???  It's been a distracting 6 weeks!  Playing with my house and blogging about it has seemed like a fairy-tale life I dream about, not my actual existence.  Maybe I can get back to that someday......

I PROMISE to try and post again by the weekend, maybe even tomorrow, because we are getting a snow storm right now, which is kind of exciting, and I'm going to be stuck here for a couple of days -- that's what 7 inches of snow will do here in North Carolina!  Which is why I love it here so much!! (well, one of the reasons :-)

I want to reiterate here how much, how VERY VERY MUCH, I appreciate the care and concern and love that you guys send me.  It makes such a huge difference in how my heart feels and I can't explain why!  But I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to all of you wonderful friends!!!!!  When I talk to God (which is alot nowadays), I always say a prayer that He will bless all of my dearest online friends.  So if you feel God's closeness, or feel blessed, maybe that's from Him answering my prayer for YOU! (hee, hee!!)  That's how I LIKE to think it happens, anyway! ^-^