Sunday, June 22, 2014

With a Heavy, RENDED Heart......

My friend Cheryl died yesterday.

It was the first day of summer.  I remember her telling me just a few months ago that she wanted to get her treatments done in time to feel good for the summer, when her grandchildren were going to come for a visit.  When she said it, I silently prayed, "PLEASE, Lord!" (add that to the list of my prayers that God completely swept aside).  Now there will be no more summers with her..... WHO is going to get excited about the seeds I buy for my garden, or ooh-and-aah over my plants???  (I haven't planted ANYTHING this year, I just didn't have the heart for it....)

It was so strange, because I had been crying all morning, and I couldn't get myself to stop for long enough to care about doing anything.  I went to see her two days earlier, and had been teary and sniffly since then as a cold horror settled around my heart..... but yesterday I was losing control of it and had to go into my bedroom several times.  Then I got that phone call, and it was like all the color left and all the doom that has been on my heels actually enveloped me.

She came back here two weeks ago to pick up some things (she's been staying about 25 minutes away), and although she was too weak to get out of the car, I was able to stand with her and talk to her for an hour or more.  Her voice was soft and weak, but we enjoyed talking about "regular" things for a little while, and then she pointedly told me that she wasn't getting any more chemo, so what would be, would be.  I told her I was praying for her every day.  Before she left, I hugged her tightly, and she hugged me back.

When I visited her three days ago, she hardly knew I was there.  She was on a couple of heavy drugs for pain and anxiety, so she had been sleeping almost all the time, but she looked at me briefly when I held her hand and told her I was there.  When I got in the car to leave (Brian was driving), I suddenly realized that I would never talk to her again..... NEVER.  And now I'm alone back here in the woods, with no one to talk to about gardening, and canning, and internet problems, and homeschooling, and our kids, and husbands, and God.....and everything.....and anything.  My dear friend, my only friend down here, is gone.  TAKEN....

When she first told me she had cancer a year-and-a-half ago (was it that long?), I remember praying desperately to God that he please, PLEASE, not let me watch her die.  And now that's exactly what I've had to do.  She never even got into remission, not even for 3 months.

How can I even talk to Him now???  How can I ask Him for comfort when He wouldn't answer any of my other prayers....??

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile, 
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete those unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.
- Mary Lee Hall

Thursday, June 5, 2014

I Guess This Is Going to Be a Bad Summer......

****Here is my original post from a few days ago..... ****

WHERE does the time go....?????  Is it really JUNE already??
Brian is still home, and healing nicely!  I still have a hard time looking at that cut-off finger..... I even feel sad when I look at past pictures of him that show his WHOLE finger -- I want that tip back on!!! :-P
In spite of his yucky finger, it has been truly WONDERFUL to have him home with me all this time!!  We have so much fun just being together! :-)  He helps me out with all the things I want to make! :-D
OH!!  Which reminds me -- I have been working on SO MANY little projects, my head is spinning!  Some of them have been waiting to be finished since last Fall, when my motivation completely crashed after hearing about Pat being diagnosed with cancer.  And some are just on a whim, from browsing my favorite/worst site -- PINTEREST!!!

Pinterest is MY "Facebook"!!!  Since I'm not ON Facebook, by that I mean, what everyone who IS on it is like.....addicted!  Aaaahhhh!!!!!!  (hahaha!)

First, I want to say that I haven't gotten very much further on that project I talked about in my last post -- I am working on the metal part now, trying to "age" it the way I like, and then I have to GLUE it with some special metal glue, which all scares me a little!!  So off to the side it sits, while I work up the courage to press on with it.

While I am feeling really good about getting my motivation back, and loving the feeling of CREATING again, what is really going on with me is that I'm running -- trying to outrun the inevitability of my friend Cheryl's situation.  It's like a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow, or goosebumps stealing across my neck and scalp, or the feeling that I cannot catch my breath anymore.  And it's always thereHow can I bear this???   

Sadly, she is getting worse and worse.  In early May, she spent nearly a week in the hospital in severe pain.  Since then, she went straight away to stay with her oldest friend (who has been asking her to stay with her for 2 months now), so she could have someone with her all the time, helping her eat, making sure she takes her medicines, and just basically relieving the stress and anxiety for Cheryl having to deal with this alone every day.  While I know this is GOOD for her, I still feel very bad about it -- it frightens me.  Does this mean she is never coming home?  Is she going to die there??  It has been SO AWFUL watching her deteriorate so quickly since she learned about her cancer coming back -- attitude really IS everything with this disease.  And constant pain wears you down - physically, emotionally, AND mentally.  It has really taken away her will to fight -- all she is fighting now is that pain.
She is not far away, I can still go see her easily, but she doesn't really want any visitors.  Most days she doesn't even feel like talking on the phone. :-(

Happily, there is NO NEWS about Pat (so far), she is feeling better every day, which is GREAT.  However, this is CANCER..... I foresee pain and loss for our family....soon. :-(


I thought I would post the above because I wrote it a few days ago, and kind of stalled because I didn't have the time to upload the pictures of the projects I wanted to show everyone.  I wanted to share my happy-ish post, the first one in awhile.  I was pulling out of my slump a little, with the help of denial and avoidance.  I wish I could keep them around longer..... I need them to keep from slipping and sinking, sinking, sinking......

Today we found out that my Grandfather, my mother's father (not Pat's), has a tumor the size of a baseball in his left lung.  They also think it may be in his brain already.  He is going for an MRI to see where it is for sure, but he's already said that he doesn't want any interventions -- no operations or treatments.  He is 87 years old, but up to now, very active and healthy.  And what I've never shared on my blog is that he's already lost his wife and two daughters, and is at peace with this being his time to go.  That wife and two daughters were my Nana and my two aunts, my mother's mother and sisters.  Those were sudden deaths that happened years apart (and years ago), and were horrible and life-changing.  Devastating.  But I don't need to share all that.

I started my blog as a fun journal-type-place to share happy things and the joy and contentment I feel in my little life, in the home I've always wanted, being a homemaker and mother -- my most favorite "jobs" to do EVER. 
But that isn't what my blog has been about for 6+ months now.  It's all sadness and bad news, and a journal of me trying to fight what is burying me, as I try to climb out and over it.  I just DO NOT want to have the saddest, pain-filled blog on anyone's list.  I CANNOT keep coming on here with worse and worse news, and more and more pain.
And I think I'm having a nervous breakdown (do they even call it that anymore?) --- last week I found a black snake in a bird's nest that I had been excitedly watching the parents feed and raise their three babies in for several weeks.  I was so horrified, I jumped up on a ladder with some tongs and grabbed that snake by his neck and hung on.  I saw one dead bird in the nest, and another one flapped/fell out, and still holding the snake, I ran and woke Brian up, crying uncontrollably.  He took the snake to the woods across the street, while I put the live baby back in the nest and then Brian took the dead one out.  And I couldn't stop crying over it -- even though Brian pointed out that I had saved the other two babies (and they actually left the nest two days later and flew unsteadily away with their parents right beside them), I stayed awake for hours sniffling and crying over it.  It was like all the feelings that I keep in check all day, each day, just tumbled out.  It took two days for me to get that sadness back under control.

So I don't think I am in any shape to be blogging right now.  I think I will do more harm to my readers than good.  I think I need to stop posting about my life right now, until the wave of sadness finally passes over me and is GONE (if it ever will be....).  And continuing to try to post, but never really doing it, is making me feel like a failure to everyone, which isn't helping me in my fight against Despair....which I'm losing.....

I want to thank all of my dearest, best online friends -- you all mean SO MUCH TO ME!!!!  I've never had such wonderful people in my life, in real life!  DON'T LEAVE my blog, because I will be back....I will keep taking pictures of things I do or make (if I do or make anything), and I'll post them when I can post with JOY again. There has to be another side to get to -- there HAS to be.  Somewhere I'm going to see a lifeline from God, and when I grab it I will find peace with all this loss......and then I'll start posting again, about what is good in my life and fun, and joyful.