Monday, March 24, 2014

Hanging On By My Fingernails......

Years ago, I saw this book in a mail-order-catalog (remember those??? LOL), and I LOVED the title!!  It was called Everywhere I Go, There I Am.....think about that.....!  Isn't that so profound??  I was going through a real Learning/Understanding-Human-Nature kick (I was a young mom!), and that title just spoke to me about how I and so many people I knew, struggled with finding contentment and happiness in the wrong places!  My mom and I (my MOM-mom, not Pat) talked about that concept at length, and it's really a human truth!

And here I am again, living that same thing in my life, obviously NOT learning anything from my earlier enlightenment (or not remembering it).

So here it is: I got a little bit of money when we did our tax returns, and I wanted to buy some fun things on ebay that I always keep on my watch list, but never buy, because I can't stand to spend the money! LOL  So I bought some favorite things -- mostly pewter, because they were GREAT deals!  And a couple of other things too.  And now they are getting here.  Each weekend, when I go to my PO, I have a package.  I am accumulating the things I have been drooling over and dreaming about for months, and somehow, it's been a huge let-down when I open the boxes and get my hands on my treasures.

Everywhere I go,  There  I  Am.

The problem I'm having is that I am trying to escape ME, and the unhappiness that is emanating from within ME.  Changing locations, changing surroundings, changing perceived circumstances ("I need this pewter for my shelf!"), changing people even.....none of that can work without the person WITHIN feeling satisfied, content, in peace (through faith).  

So now I have the disappointment that these things I waited so long to buy and have DID NOT transform my life into the primitive heaven that I imagine when I look at gorgeous Pinterest pictures and magazine pages and picture trails/blogs (those that are left) I'm right back to being  struggling, pained LISA, now with more stuff..... :-P  *Sigh!*

Everywhere I go, There I Am.  I cannot outrun ME, or what is happening in my life (to the people I love).  I have to stand here and wait for the next bad thing to fall, and stand here and face it, and stand here and move into it all, to lay myself open so I can GIVE to those I love who need me.....and then maybe even have to watch how nothing I do will be enough to stop them from going away, from leaving me and their other dear ones.

That is where my life experiences (right now) and my purpose for my blog are at such odds --- I literally have NOTHING to share or give that isn't tainted with these terrible circumstances.  And I have NO creative energy to share or entertain anyone who comes here to read what's going on. 
I have IDEAS, and (now) SUPPLIES......but even if I could start a project, I don't have any ANY energy to complete it.  Why even do it???  Does it cure cancer?  Well, then, it seems like a waste of time at this point.

I'm still TRYING - TRYING.....I have several simple projects I could make, so I'm trying to decide to DO them.  I do get interrupted alot, with needing to go to Cheryl's to help her, or running to the store for something she needs, so it's not ALL MY inaction -- I do spend tons of time being very active for her and hers and my kids, which gives me GREAT satisfaction and happiness.

But I'll try to post next time with some pictures of something DONE here!
That's if I have the energy to hold up the camera to take pictures..... :-(


Cheryl just got out of the hospital after a week, to help her with pain.  At least it wasn't her cancer spreading (she found out), it was just side affects from the drugs she is on.  She has started chemo, and had two treatments.  She is trying to "detox" her body with eating clean, raw food and herbs, hoping to give the chemo some extra healing power.  It's good to see her feeling better now that she is home.

Pat just had her last chemo treatment in her "plan", and is now waiting to see her surgeon the second week of April to find out the results.  She is feeling better and better every day, and has a great, positive attitude.  For me waiting is FEAR/PAIN.

I will post if there are any drastic changes to tell.

THANK YOU for your thoughts and prayers, my dearest internet readers/friends!!!!!  I pray God blesses each of you!!!! :-)

Thursday, March 6, 2014

UGG!! Sick Again.....

....Of Course!!!

There's only so much stress a body can absorb before it starts to rebel.  And like I was mentioning on the APP forum (that I FINALLY got back onto, after 4+ months away), I am terrible about LOSS.  It's a real struggle for me to keep it from burying me in despair, and making me bitter.  It's that struggle that stresses me out so much.

So last night, my body just said "GIVE ME A BREAAAAAKKKK!!!!", and leveled me with a stomach-ache from hell! 
And then I guess because it doesn't trust me to take the warning seriously (and stop being so stressed), I feel NO better this morning. :-P  Blah, blah, blah!!!

This is a stomach-ACHE, mind you -- nothing else.  But the ache is awful, it's like having a hot bowling ball rolling around in my abdomen, and it makes me weak and nauseous.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, Body, I'm no longer stressing about anything, because I can't stop thinking about how crappy I feel!

Actually, I'm going to go lay down right now.....I really want to feel better tomorrow because Brian is home and we are going to be starting some changes in the kids'/main bathroom!! :-D
Maybe I will finally take some fun pictures to post......!! ^-^