I have really been struggling to write a post this week.....this whole month hasn't felt "Christmas-y" to me, for alot of reasons, but when I heard about the school shooting in Connecticut, ALL my creativity and happiness just LEFT. I haven't watched any of it, but I've read a few headlines (and then clicked away), and it's always in the back of my mind, as I plan cookies for our homeschooling cookie swap, or shop for Christmas presents for my kids, or watch my favorite Christmas movies, or look at pictures to post on here.....there is a pall that has fallen over me and I can't seem to get out from underneath it. As a mother, I can't bear it.
HOW do I pull out the rest of my decorations and put them up, when there are families up there struggling with such an enormous loss??? I can't.
I got a really helpful perspective from one of my favorite Walmart cashiers the other day (I get very attached to the people who help me!)......she said that it's not about asking God "Why?", He has a plan that is beyond us and our comprehension, and He loves those children and their families more than anyone on earth does. Instead of "why", we need to ask God for the strength to trust Him in this horrible situation, and for PEACE for those families and ourselves. I was so grateful to hear her put it in those terms for me. It did help me to think of it like that. But I still struggle with asking Him, or the universe, or anyone listening, "why?" ......WHY?????
So I am having a hard time posting about things that seem so trivial now -- penny rugs? dried oranges? gingerbread ornaments?? Does any of that really matter, AT ALL???
Add to that the fact that we have very little money to buy presents for our kids or to do any kind of shopping, and that our dear little Minnie has eaten the rest of my gingerbread ornaments (who knew she could reach that far back on the counter?? :-P), and pulled the lights and some ornaments off the bottom rows of our tree (so now it's bare on the bottom! LOL), and that all my kids seem to want to do this year is play their video games or sit and stare at the computer, and that it's hardly even COLD outside......well, you get the picture!!
Actually, there is one reason I can't focus completely on Christmas that is a GOOD reason......ready?......we are putting our NEW kitchen floor down THIS weekend!!!! That's right -- Brian's last day of work is tomorrow, and we want to get the floor done before Christmas so he can still have time to relax and enjoy the rest of his week off after.....oh, and time to fix any issues that come up while doing the floor (there are always SOME issues!). So that is GREAT, and makes me very happy and excited (when I'm not thinking about how those families in CT don't care about how their homes look anymore....*sigh!*).
It makes me a little nervous too -- I mean, it's two days away, and I haven't done anything to get ready for it, like I meant to! I wanted to paint my island black (remember that project?), and I wanted to repaint my cabinets next to the floor because some of the paint has worn off. Also, thinking about having to move our stove, refrigerator, cabinets, tables, chairs, all our stuff out of there is overwhelming! It seems impossible!! And all that stuff will have to be crowded into the family room where the tree is, for days -- YIKES!
I'll be sure to take TONS of pictures to share on here! It really is so very fun and exciting -- I've wanted a tile floor in there for about 6 years!!!! :-D
So, I've gotten this difficult post out of the way, and I feel better than I did before I typed it.
But does that sound selfish even? Nothing even happened to ME, and I'm acting like I have something to get over......do I even have a right to feel like that?? Should I even be trying to "feel better"?
I guess I don't really mean that I feel ok about what happened, what I mean is that I feel better about POSTING, about sharing such small, insignificant things in my life, while knowing that there are mothers up there who's entire worlds have fallen apart...... Yeah, I guess I don't feel any better at all.....
I'm sorry if this post hurt anyone or added to their sorrow over what happened -- I just couldn't start posting about normal life as if it never happened. But this will be the only post that I will be talking about it, even though it will always be on my mind. For all the people who have been touched (burned?) by this horrible, unthinkable act.....I pray for your peace and comfort. My heart is broken for all of you, and I deeply wish I could do anything that would help. But I can only think to pray.....so that's what I will do. May God be with all of you..... :-(